Early the next morning, just the male pulmonologist enters my ICU suite. Immediately, he begins again his rant about me not needing a ventilator to breathe. However, this morning his words are less jagged and seem to have a hollowness to them. He seems a bit distracted as he speaks. He finally changes courses. He begins to say I need an extensive neurology work-up. We need to find the cause of my muscle weakness. We need to know if it is the muscles, the nerves, the neuromuscular junctions or both the nerves and muscles causing my symptoms. He goes on to say if I have a neuromuscular disease, I will need a ventilator to breathe for the rest of my life. Moreover, disconnecting me from the ventilator might actually kill me.
As the physician continues his long monologue, I am left dumbstruck. It seems as though new wisdom and knowledge have entered this man. The doctor is finally listening to the words I speak. He finally seems to be understanding that perhaps indeed I need a ventilator to breathe. I cannot help but send praises up to God. I know He heard my prayers last night. I know He instructed the physician to do research about various disease affecting the nerves and muscles. Gratitude overflows my heart. Tears fill my eyes, but I fight with all my strength to hold them back.
As the clinician finishes up his long speech, he says he is not going to disconnect me from my ventilator today. He is going to wait until I can have an examination and testing done by the neurology department. When an exact cause of my muscle weakness can be determined, only then will a program be set up in which I start weaning from the ventilator. However, if a neuromuscular disease is causing my diaphragm weakness, I will have to be in the ventilator for the rest of my life. The physician leaves my room.
Nothing too exciting happens the rest of the day. Infectious disease doctors come and visit me. They give me the green light for being discharged. In the afternoon, I leave the hospital having received no antibiotics for my respiratory infections. I wonder why I was ever admitted to the hospital if nothing was going to be done for me. This was the strangest hospital admission I have ever had. However, I do know that God used this situation to cast out one of my biggest fears. And praise be to God, I think I pass the test! It is only through God's grace, mercy and love that I am able to continue my journey to spiritual maturity.
"We have come to know and have believed the love which God has for us. God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him. By this, love is perfected within us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." (1 John 4:16-18)
(Link to Part One click here)
No comments:
Post a Comment