Stuck--When You Can't Move On

Recently I released a video about how an interaction with a friend has more or less ended our friendship. The person used to be very kind and caring. However, over the years, things have happened to the person, and the person cannot seem to get over them.

I talked about one particular medical issue the person was having in my video. What I did not relay in the video is that the medical issue is not a new issue. It is something the person has been struggling with for eight years.

Eight years ago, my friend went to the doctor because she was having abdominal pain. She saw a GI doctor. The GI doctor (without doing any testing) told the woman he could help her, but he was retiring the next week. So, he could not help her. My friend was devastated.

Instead of finding a different doctor and getting testing done to find out the root cause of her GI pain, the woman has chosen to remain stuck—stuck with her miserable GI pain and also stuck mentally. She cannot get over that she found the perfect doctor, but that doctor retired and can no longer help her. 

Perhaps, I should re-iterate here, the doctor did not do any testing. He did not know what was wrong with the woman. When the doctor said he could help, there is a mystery as to what he meant by his words. Was he willing to do testing? Was he willing to do a thorough workup? Was he just telling the woman this because she was paying for the appointment out of her own pocket, and he wanted to get paid for a worthless appointment? (I am sorry to be so negative here, but when a doctor accepts a new patient on the verge of his retirement, I highly question the physician's ethics.)

Since that time, every time I talk to the woman, she seems to spiral more and more into the abyss of negativity and darkness. She constantly speaks about the incident with the GI doctor as if it was yesterday.

I feel sincerely sorry for my friend, but I have decided to walk away. I do not want to hear the same rant over and over again every time I talk to her. There are only so many times I can say, “I am sorry that happened to you” At some point, the woman needs to move on with her life…but it seems she can’t.

The thing which really makes me confused is that the woman professes to be a devout Christian. This confuses me because one of the tenets of Christianity is forgiveness. It seems after eight years, this woman cannot forgive the doctor for retiring.

"For if you forgive men their trespasses, then your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses." (Matthew 6:14-15) 

It's Another Year...Has Anything Changed?

I do not make New Year's Resolutions. I prefer to change my life as things come along. If I notice I am speaking too much negativity, I work on speaking more in a positive light. If someone criticizes one of my YouTube videos, I re-think how to present information.

Tonight at Bible Study, we studied the end of chapter two in the Book of Job. We read how Job's friends were silent for seven days as they sat next to Job, who was grieving. This image stunned me. In a world of information overload, I wondered how anyone could sit for an hour in silence, much less seven DAYS in silence. 

I then began reflecting on my life. I recently met a very sweet woman who has a quiet demeanor. It has taken me some trial and error to figure out that the way she communicates is by thinking for several minutes about what she wants to say. She then presents a short monologue on her thoughts and feelings. Interacting with the woman is hard...it is VERY hard. To sit in silence for several minutes eats away at my impulsiveness. But I am trying. I am trying to still the never-ending commentary which seems to constantly overwhelm my brain.

I also reflected on Bible Study. I used to stand very firm in my beliefs. If someone said something I did not agree with, I interjected and gave a short disputation on why the person was wrong. As I have aged, I have noticed people do not like to be corrected. Thus, I try to quell my tongue and keep my thoughts to myself.

The last two weeks at Bible Study, people have said things which I knew were incorrect. One idea was not a big deal. The person did not know about a treatment available for a certain medical condition. The other issue, which arose, was being told I said something wrong. I immediately thought of the Scripture I was quoting and pondered if I was remembering the verse correctly. I quietly looked up the verse in my Bible. And there it was, exactly how I had remembered the verse. I could have easily called attention to the Bible verse, which would have vindicated my original words. However, I let the comment go. I allowed silence to permeate the air instead of confrontational words.

So often I feel as though I have failed. I try to change things about myself, but I usually see no progress. For ten YEARS I have been working on holding my tongue and letting things go. I have witnessed myself fail over and over again, and if this would have been a New Year's Resolution, I would have abandoned the notion long ago. But here I am, a decade later, and FINALLY I am seeing some positive results.

I need to take this moment and celebrate my small victories. So often I only see my short comings and my mistakes. I frequently only focus on how I could have handle a situation differently. But for the moment, I want to soak in these small wins and rejoice I am making progress.

“Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, ‘This is the way; walk in it.’”  Isaiah 30:21

When I wonder why did God led me in this direction...

In 2024, after teaching a Sunday School class, a woman came up to me and cried her eyes out that she was suffering tremendously from the loss of a loved one. She asked me to do something--to help her. I was a little taken aback. I was sick and terribly tired, but who was I to tell this woman no? I agreed to help her.

When I arrived home, I researched grief support groups. A program called GriefShare popped up. After reading reviews about the program, I decided to ask the pastor if this was a program we wanted at our congregation. He eagerly said yes, but it had to be approved by the leadership. Thankfully, the leadership said yes, and now I was heading a GriefShare program.

I wondered over and over again why I was being pulled in this direction. I did not want to lead the group, but considering everything that had happened, I felt like I had to lead the group.

The GriefShare program went well. Many of the people told me how beneficial it was to them. Since GriefShare took up a substantial amount of time, I decided to document some of my experiences and post them to my YouTube channel. Did I intend for these videos to benefit anyone? The answer is absolutely not. I only did the videos to keep my YouTube channel alive while I dedicated a lot of time to GriefShare.

At the end of the summer, a precious young woman passed away. I was devastated. The young lady's mother had been in contact with me for a number of years. We developed a wonderful friendship, and I had the honor of praying for the mother and daughter. When I heard the young lady passed away, I wondered how the family was going to cope. I asked myself, "Should I recommend GriefShare to the mother?" I decided not to. I thought the family needs time to grieve.

Nearly every day, I prayed for the family. I hoped God would help them during this intense mourning period.

On Sunday night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I suddenly had the urge to reach out to the young lady's mother. I thought, "I should contact her. It has been a little over three months since her daughter passed away."

The next day, I went on to Facebook, and there was a message from the young woman's mother. I thanked God for the message. I replied to the message. In the evening, I suddenly wondered if the mother might be ready for GriefShare. I told myself the next day, I would message the mother and encourage her to attend a GriefShare program.

Today, I logged in to Facebook, and there was another message from the mother. She stated about 3-4 weeks ago, she joined a GriefShare class at her church. She said she knew about the program from the videos I had posted to my YouTube channel.

Tears filled my eyes. I was so happy the woman was attending a GriefShare class. I was overwhelmed with gratitude that God set in motion so many events. If you would have told me one of the reasons I was to start a GriefShare program was to help someone across the country, I would have said you are crazy. And yet, that is what happened.

I hope GriefShare is a blessing to this mother and to countless other people.

Last Man Standing

Last week Tuesday, my mom rode in a car with someone to a community event. The person was sick. My mom was not very excited to be exposed to illness. The following day, the woman contacted my mom. The woman tested positive for Flu B. The woman was very sick.

On Friday evening, my mom did not feel well. She abruptly became quite sick. I spent Saturday wearing gloves around the house and washing my gloves frequently to hopefully not get sick.

Yesterday, I noticed my dad seemed to have a cough. He sometimes has issues with allergies. So, I gave him to benefit of the doubt that his extra coughs were due to allergies. Last night, we went to the grocery store to buy food for Thanksgiving. My dad was definitely not feeling well. I rolled down my window for part of the drive to hopefully mitigate my exposure to his sickness. When we got home from the store, my dad laid down on the couch and started to cough his head off.

Today, my dad is very unwell. I have quarantined myself to my room. When my dad had fallen asleep this morning in the living room (he refuses to go to bed because he does not want to be exposed to my mom's sickness), I quickly raided the kitchen. I normally do not drink bottled water, but I do not want to go out to the kitchen to get more water to drink from the faucet when my glass runs out. So, I took five bottles of water, a bag of pears, and a jar of soup from the fridge. I hope this is enough to last me through the day.

I seem to be the last man standing. I hope I can avoid illness. This sickness is a very nasty bug. In the meantime, I suppose I should film YouTube. I am feeling well today. I should take advantage of a good health day.

 

Crazy Credit Card Escapades

In August, my family was planning travels for next year. We decided to take United Airlines for the first part of our trip. Coming home, American Airlines had cheaper flights, but we would have to pay to check out luggage. I have an American Airlines credit card. However, it is the free card with no benefits. I have been inundated with offers to upgrade my free credit card to a paid premium credit card. With the paid premium card, I would receive one free checked piece of luggage if I (and any companions) flew on American Airlines and used the premium credit card to pay for the flight. Furthermore, since the card is a paid credit card, if I accepted the "limited time" offer, the first year's annual fee of $99 would be waived.

 On August, 15, I requested my American Airlines credit card to be upgraded. But, then came a snag. I wanted to IMMEDIATELY use the card to purchase my flight (and a flight for my relative). However, I did not have the credit card number. Thus, I could not book the flight. I would have to wait until I received the credit card in 10-14 days.

Airfare is a fickle creature. When you find it on sale, you book it because in a few hours, the price of the ticket might increase by $50 or more. It appeared as though both American and United had their flights discounted. If I waited 10-14 days, I did not know if the airfares would still be available at a reduced rate.

As my relative was looking at flights on United Airlines, he was offered a free United credit card. This would allow him (and one companion) to receive one free checked bag on any flights booked with the credit card. If my relative booked his flight and applied for the credit card at the same time, he could use his new credit card to pay for the flight (and thus receive one free checked luggage). My relative applied for the card and was approved. He decided to fly on United Airlines.

I reluctantly added my name to the reservation. I had now applied for the premium American Airlines credit card for nothing. I would not need the new American Airlines credit card because we were now flying on United Airlines.

My new American Airlines credit card arrived in the mail at the end of August. I figured I had a year to use it (and acquire airline miles) before I had to cancel the card or change back to the free version of the credit card.

Earlier this month, I received a notification in the mail that starting in November, I would be billed $99 for my American Airlines credit card. I was confused. Wasn't part of the promotion to have the annual fee paid for for the first year? I called the credit card company.

I explained to the man I applied for the new card on August 15. I was now notified I was going to be billed for the credit card in November. Was this correct? The man said it was. (I know I was calling overseas, but surely even overseas a year means something greater than 2.5 months? But, I guess not.)

I asked the man if I could change my premium credit card back to the free credit card. He said I could. I authorized the change, and voilà, I no longer have to pay the $99 "annual" fee for a credit card I had less than 3 months. Ah, the things we do to get free baggage on an airplane.

So Exhausted. Time for a Break

Every week, I search and search for precious energy to get through to week, to get through the day. When evening comes, my body feels as though lead weights are attached to all my limbs. My eyes ache, and my head throbs with pain.

I  had grand visions of taking some time off this summer, but that never came to fruition. Too many things occurred such as trying to get all my medical videos edited and uploaded to YouTube. Also, my health was not fantastic. I was slowly recovering from an infection in my brain. 

Week after week, I pushed myself to continue on. But now, I am at my breaking point. I need some time off. It has been more than a year since I have taken any time away from YouTube and social media. 

With that said, I am taking some time away from being online. I am going to rest, recuperate, and not respond or even check social media. If people email me or message me with some urgent issue, I will sadly not be there for the person. I am trying not to feel guilty. Instead, I am trying to fortify myself and tell myself that it is ok to step away. It is ok to take time for myself.

I hope everyone is well. I hope everyone carries on. I hope people understand I need to take some time away from the stresses of YouTube and social media and allow my body to rest. 

I never want to book another flight ever again

The last two days, I have been busy coordinating with my mom travel plans for next year. We are planning on traveling as a family for an exciting vacation. There were many parts to the adventure. First, we needed to nail down dates. This was quite tenuous because we had to figure out lodging accommodations which would fit our needs.

Next, we had to figure out how to travel home. One would think we could just fly home, but not so fast. The flights are messy and expensive. So, instead, we are taking a detour and traveling to a different city and spending a few night there. Why? Because it is cheaper to fly to another city and stay a few nights than it is to fly directly home. So, we had to find a hotel for a few nights.

Then, we had to get flights. Most people would not think this would be very labor intensive, but it was. Not everyone is traveling at the same time or in the same class. I had to figure out which airlines flew to which cities. Then, we have luggage which needs to be accounted for. Some airlines allow luggage, and some are very strict and do not allow a carry-on item.

After spending several days researching flights and trying to use airline miles and paying cash, I finally figured out how to get almost everyone from their home to the vacation spot to the intermediate spot and back home again. At the moment, everyone has a seat and is flying on an airline. Some of the flights are refundable. So, at any time, a family member might tell me he/she does not like his/her flight and want to change it.