Happy 10 Year Anniversary!

Ten years ago, I created this blog. I had high hopes of what I wanted to accomplish. I suppose I should not be honest and just say, "Hooray! This blog has achieved everything I wanted for it and so much more!" The reality is that this blog did not gain the traction I wish it would have. However, that is not bad.

I have used this blog as a springboard for my YouTube channels. In fact, I am grateful for this blog because it chronicles my health journey through the time I received my tracheostomy tube. I have used this blog many times to help me craft a video.

As I have focused more and more on YouTube, this blog has not been kept up as much as what it once was. I always tell myself I will do better in the future, but I have come to the realization, I do not have time to produce two blog posts a week. My life is incredibly busy.

When I began this blog, my life was relatively stable and boring. I had stopped seeing doctors, and I was not on life support. My family members were in better states of health, and I had a lot more free time.

Today, my life is filled with endless tasks and demands on my time. I feel as though I am running from one crisis to the next. I am juggling multiple people's schedules, and I am doing my best to help family members who are in need. Add in to the mix medical issues I need to have addressed (because quite frankly, I cannot kick them down the road anymore). Some days I feel as though all I deal with is medical appointments and calling clinics, insurance, and/or the pharmacy.

Despite the chaos which has become my life, God is always there. For example, yesterday, I drove my mom to McDonald's to get something to eat for breakfast. (She has been too sick to do much on her own.) I realized as I was driving that I did not bring anything along to do while she sat and ate breakfast.

When I went inside the restaurant and sat down next to my mom, my mom's phone immediately rang. It was my doctor's office. For the next half an hour, I talked to a nurse to get my medical record up-to-date. I smiled and thanked God for the phone call coming at that precise moment because it allowed me to use my precious time to complete a necessary task.

Today, when talking to my insurance company, I was connected to a woman who was exceptional. She was able to get a medical claim approved...a medical claim I assumed would be denied (and I would have to pay out of pocket for). I smiled and profusely thanked God for this kindness.

So here I am, racing from task to task. Even though I am extremely busy, God is still holding my hand and helping me each step of the way. I am still wandering aimlessly through the wilderness (as I was 10 years ago), and just like 10 years ago, God is by my side, helping me get through each task as best as I can.

"Praiseworthy is the man whose strength is in You...They advance from strength to strength. Each one will appear before God in Zion." (Psalm 84)

Arthritis: The One Medical Issue I Have Not Been Able to Master

A little less than one year ago, I woke up from sleep, and I could not get out of bed. The pain in my back and hips was out of this world awful. Moreover, severe stiffness of those joints made it nearly impossible to move them. I commanded my hips to move, but they would not budge. I began screaming at my hips and legs to move. However, they remained still. 

In utter exasperation, I lifted my right leg with my hands and threw my leg over the side of the bed. The pain which radiated through my hip and thigh was unlike anything I had ever experienced. After 45 minutes of crying and forcing my legs to move using my hands, I finally was able to get out of bed. I made it to the bathroom and then went back to bed. 

Day after day, this routine continued. Some days, the pain and stiffness allowed my legs to slowly move on their own. Other days, no matter what I did, I could not overcome the severe stiffness in my hips and back. I was alarmed by these new symptoms. I called my doctor and made an appointment.

At my appointment, I could barely sit. I was in so much pain. The doctor was unconcerned. She told me this is what happens when we age. We develop arthritis. These are the normal aches and pains of aging. I normally do not raise my voice with my medical providers, but when my physician completely dismissed the severe pain and stiffness in my hips and back as "aches and pains of aging", I nearly exploded into a hot rage.

I passionately said, "Excuse me doctor. I know lots of people my age as well as people who are 10, 20, 30, 40, and 50 years older than me. NONE of them have told me about or exhibited pain and stiffness to the degree I have with the exception of my mom and grandparents who all have rheumatoid arthritis. Mind you, my mom's and grandparents' 'aches and pains of aging' are not 'aches and pains of aging' but due to an auto-immune disease."

My doctor agreed to run some lab work. The results showed I was having inflammation. However, my rheumatoid factor was not elevated to the threshold needed to make a rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. Thus I was told I do not have rheumatoid arthritis but merely have arthritis due to aging. My physician refused to refer me on to a rheumatologist.

 

It has been nearly a year since I woke up with severe pain and stiffness in my hips and back. Some things have gotten better. There are fleeting days when I wake up and can get out of bed without grimacing from the pain and stiffness in my joints. Some things have gotten worse. The arthritis has spread. It now affects my knees and feet. Over the weekend, my left middle finger joints began hurting and were very stiff. The next day my right middle finger joints began exhibiting the same pain and stiffness.

I try to get through my days the best I can, but it is getting hard. I try to overcome the pain and stiffness by moving. However, no matter how hard I try to power through the pain and stiffness, I often hit a brick wall. Suddenly, the pain and stiffness make it nearly impossible to move. I have to go to bed to relieve the pain.

I have an incredibly busy schedule from now through next March. Finding the time and energy to get a doctor to refer me to a rheumatologist seems like an impossible task. I know God is running the universe. I hope and pray He sends the right doctor into my path to help relieve me from this relentless pain and stiffness in my joints (and muscles around my joints).

Why Don't You Want to Be a Hero?

Recently, I went with a group of 30 people to visit a nature park. The park was very beautiful. The scenery was breath-taking. Shortly into the visit, a woman collapsed to the ground. I rushed over to her as well as a few other people. I helped get the woman into a sitting position. She was much too weak to stand up.

The woman was very dehydrated. She recently started taking a new medication which causes dehydration. The woman admitted she did not drink very much that day because she was concerned she would have to use the bathroom while at the nature park. The woman had a bottle of water with her. I sat with the woman while she drank some water and rested.

Approximately 15-20 people saw this woman fall to the ground. Four people came to her rescue and lifted the woman into a seated position. One of the people who helped was a man with very large muscles. It was evident that he worked out on a regular basis. Of the four people who helped, I was the only person who stayed with the woman. I was flabbergasted. Not one male stayed behind to assist this woman. (In addition to Mr. Muscle, one other guy had very large muscles, and six other physically-fit men walked passed this woman and continued on their way through the park.)

After the woman rested for a while, I helped lift her to her feet. The woman was very unsteady. I caught the woman before she crashed back down to the ground. It took an HOUR to slowly help this woman make her way back to the bus. During this time, I had to carry not only all my own medical equipment, but I also had to assist the woman walking--at times, the woman collapsed her full weight onto me.

Praise be to God, we made it back to the bus. Everyone in the group was waiting for us. I staggered back to my seat and slumped down. I thought I was going to pass out from a combination of exhaustion and excruciating pain. When I got home, I went to bed for a week.

As God allowed things to happen, I ran into one of the big strong muscle men at the store. The man told me I was a hero, and he told me how impressed he was that I helped the lady. I was far too exhausted and disgusted with this man to say what was racing through my mind. Instead, I simply said, "I did what needed to be done."

I really wanted to say to the man, "You clearly work out regularly. Look at those large muscles you have. YOU could have helped this woman. YOU could have easily assisted this woman back to the bus. But instead of helping, you hurried away. Why? Why do you NOT want to be a hero? I do not understand. Why work out and cultivate large muscles if you are not willing to use them? You disgust me, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

In a time when someone needs help, I am not sure why people are able to help are not willing to exert a little effort and save the day. Instead, the work of assisting those who are in most need of help often falls on those who are already taxed to the brink of their existence...and yet, somehow, these are the people who step up and do what needs to be done.

Part II: The Nightmare…She is a Psychopath

In late January, my relative’s health started declining. I really needed to find someone to help her. I again approached this woman I had met and asked if she wanted to be a caregiver for my relative. I even did something I do not do—I told her she did not have to sign the contract. She could try out the job and work when she wanted to. The woman was thrilled at this idea.

We communicated back and forth discussing what would be expected of her. Out of the blue, the woman told me she did an extensive background check on my relative. She told how she knew everything about her including some of her very personal health information. There was nothing she did not know. I was spooked by this revelation. If the woman wanted to know anything about my relative, I would have told her. 

Moreover, the tone of the woman’s voice was a mixture of taunting, boastfulness, and blackmail. The woman reminded me of a stalker. Thankfully, the information the woman obtained was incorrect. I am not sure where the woman got the information from, but fortunately, the information was wrong. When I pointed out to the woman that the information was incorrect, and if she wanted to know something about my relative, she could ask me. The woman back-peddled and said she just wanted to get to know my relative better. She apologized and said she hoped the slip-up would not ruin her job prospect. I again gave her the benefit of the doubt.

In March, the woman said she wanted to set up a time to meet my relative and do some basic training. Due to scheduling conflicts, we were not able to work anything out until May. I was very disappointed with this timeline, but even though I went out of my way to try to accommodate the woman, nothing worked in her schedule until May.

That night, I had terrible nightmare. I do not remember what the night terror was about. All I remember is waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing. I was drenched in sweat, trembling, and in an absolute panic. The first thing which raced through my mind was, “I can NOT hire this woman.” For the next several days, I suffered poor health; my body was ravaged by the nightmare. I decided to keep this woman at a distance to give myself time to make sure I was seeing everything with a proper mindset.

Even though our meet-up was set for May, the woman insisted on communicating with me on a daily basis. I told the woman I was very busy. I did not have time to talk to her every day. Still, the woman contacted me every day. I was severely chastened if I did not respond at least once a day to her multiple messages. 

She began sharing things about her life with me. She told me about a former employer. She claimed the owners were very mean to her. When she was told to take out the trash because the trash was full, she was furious and refused to do so. She said some very nasty things about the owners. I tried to give the woman the benefit of the doubt, but it seemed clear from everything happening, the woman may have some behavioral and/or mental health issues.

The woman wrote a wicked message to me, telling me what a rotten person I was. The woman’s words made it abundantly clear she had mental health issues. I began writing the woman a letter to let her know she was not going to be a caregiver to my relative. It took me about a week to craft the letter. In the meantime, the woman sent a follow-up and said she was having a bad day. I should forgive her for her emotional outburst. I decided to forgive her, and I did not send her the termination letter.

Then, my relative became ill, and I had to go to the hospital. I did not have access to my email. Thus, I did not respond to anyone’s emails for over a week. During this time, the woman flew into a hot rage and sent me an email dripping with abusive speech. I decided I was not going to respond to her.

I sought counsel from various people in my life. I read them some of the emails the woman sent me. They all agreed this person has some serious mental health issues. It is best if I separate myself from the person. I told myself I was going to end all communication.

The woman sent me an apologetic email after she learned my relative was in the hospital. She asked me to forgive her for her previous email. Against my better judgment, I decided to send the woman her termination letter (which I had originally drafted about a month earlier). I was very kind in it, stating that my relative’s care was becoming very complex. Special skills and training were needed. The woman was not going to be able to provide the required services. I had decided to search for someone else who would be able to do nursing level care. I apologized for the job not working out.

I thought the letter was very clear. However, the response I received from the woman indicated the opposite. The woman took everything I said and twisted it into abusive language against me. She then asked if she still had the job.

At this point, I decided I had given the woman enough chances. I had given her the benefit of the doubt over and over again, and yet, she continued to show very scary character traits. I did not respond to her last correspondence. I am through with this woman and her abusive language. I am glad God warned me about this woman; I wish I would have heeded His insight many months ago. But as with all things, this too is for the good. I have decided to not hire anyone without thoroughly vetting them first. God saved me and my family from a very awful situation. I cannot imagine the potential harm this woman may have done to my relative.

 

Click Here for Part I 

 

 

 

Part I: God Answered My Prayer--Why Didn't I Listen?

Since last year, I have had my eyes and ears open to find a caregiver for a relative of mine. She was facing a lot of health challenges, and I thought she could use the assistance of someone coming in every day and helping with some of her medical care. I had a few prospects, but quickly it was evident they would not be able to do the tasks required.

Then, suddenly, I met a woman. She was very kind, caring, and compassionate. I thought to myself, “This is one of the nicest people I have ever met.” I immediately thought about my relative, and I thought the two of them would probably get along very nicely. I pondered for a long time if I should ask the woman if she wanted to help provide some caregiving services to my relative.

After more time passed, the woman asked me if I knew of anyone hiring. She needed a job. She specifically wanted something in the caregiving field. I could not believe my ears. This would be such a perfect solution for my relative. Before I offered the woman the job, I prayed to God about the situation. Usually, when I pray, I do to get any strong feelings. However, this time, I immediately got what felt like a kick in the stomach. I also heard a loud, booming, “NO!”

I thought this was very odd. Why would God not want this nice woman to provide care to my relative. I decided I must have imagined everything. I opened my Bible and began reading where I had left off the previous day. The very next words of the Bible made it ABUNDANTLY clear that I should not hire the woman. But, again, I was perplexed. After much deliberation, I decided to ask the woman if she would be interested in becoming a caregiver for my relative.

When I hire people, I stipulate they MUST sign a contract. This is for everyone’s protection. The contract lays out the caregiver’s duties and expectations. It also discusses time off, vacation time, sick time, etc. I find having a contract helps guide the caregiver in providing the services needed.

When I brought up to the woman the prospect of being a caregiver for my relative, she was very excited. When I said if she would like the job, she needed to read through a contract which outlines everything she will be required to do as well as policies for time off, holidays, sick days, etc. and sign it. Suddenly, the woman became very stand-offish. She said she was not willing to commit to anything. I was a little confused how she responded, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. She was not ready for a commitment.

I continued to periodically correspond with the woman. I observed her demeanor started to change. She went from being very upbeat and positive to being very negative. She began telling me things which happened in her life. She always seemed to be the innocent one, and people frequently took advantage of her kindness. In a short time, everything became doom and gloom. I again gave her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she was going through some tough times. I wanted to show kindness to this woman to help her through her difficulties.

Click here for Part II 

 

 

Four Years of Prayer: Sorry I Just Screamed!

In 2021, I began using intravenous nutrition called TPN. The infusion company I had was FABULOUS. I loved the people I worked with. The dietician, nurse, and pharmacist were all top-notch.

In 2022, I abruptly was changed to a different infusion pharmacy. The infusion pharmacy I was at became overwhelmed with new patients. They found a different infusion pharmacy for me and switched me over. I had no say in the process. (It quite upsetting.)

So, in 2022, I switched to an infusion pharmacy I have used previously for intravenous antibiotics. The staff is friendly. However, I absolutely HATE the alcohol wipes they send with my TPN. The alcohol wipes are sized as "medium". The ones I was receiving from the other infusion company are labeled as "large". I am not sure who determined the size of the alcohol wipes, but the "medium" are quite small. They rip, fall apart, and usually require at least two of the alcohol wipes to be used together to ensure the alcohol wipes do not fall apart when I clean the end of my intravenous line.

The "large" alcohol wipes are just the perfect size. They cover the end of my intravenous line nicely. They have a lot of alcohol infused into them and are made from a heavy duty material. In short, just one "large" alcohol wipe is sufficient for cleaning off the end of my intravenous line. 

With all the said, I was very upset the new infusion company only carries the "medium" sized alcohol wipes. I have pleaded my case with the company, but I have been told the "medium" sized wipes are sufficient. If I want the "large" size, I have to buy them myself. With this information, I have been sparingly using the "large" alcohol wipes. (I reserve them mostly for times when I have to prepare intravenous antibiotics and need the larger size alcohol wipe to clean the top of the glass vial, which contains the antibiotic powder. 

Of late, I have had several rounds of infections which have required intravenous antibiotics. My supply of "large" alcohol wipes has dwindled. I lamented that I would have to buy some "large" alcohol wipes soon.

This week, when completing my TPN refill, I requested more of the "medium" alcohol wipes. I am not out of them, but I wanted to rotate out some of my stock. 

When my order arrived today, there in my shipment was a box of 100 "LARGE" alcohol wipes. I could not believe it! I screamed and profusely thanked God. (My poor mama nearly had a heart attack. She came running over to me to ask what was wrong. Sorry mom! She clearly did not express as much joy and excitement as I did over a box of alcohol wipes!) For four YEARS I had been praying the infusion company would switch to the "large" size alcohol wipes...and now, I was able to get a box of "large" alcohol wipes. YIPPEE!!

As an aside, I have been notified, the infusion pharmacy is trying to streamline all their products across their multiple pharmacy locations. So, I am not sure if the "large" sized alcohol wipes are the new stock, or if someone found a box of the "large" sized alcohol wipes when cleaning out the inventory and are just sending them out to get rid of them. Nonetheless, I hope to remember to order more alcohol wipes next week, and I pray I once again receive the "large" sized ones. 

Paperwork...So Much Paperwork

If there is one thing I do not like to do, it is writing things out by hand. My hands cramp up quickly. Holding a pen is painful and then writing words causes burning in my hand muscles. In no time, my handwriting goes from bad to worse. I prefer to fill things out on my computer, but unfortunately, that is not always possible.

Of late, I have had a lot of paperwork I have had to fill out. The forms ranged from paperwork at the doctor's office to insurance claims to renewing insurance...and yes, all the forms required me to handwrite the information onto the form. I gritted my teeth and struggled through it. And then my old friend double vision showed up.

My eyes have a hard time focusing. Most of the time, I ignore my vision as it dances around my field of view, but when you have to print information in boxes or confined spaces, this sends my brain off into an absolute tizzy. I want to scream at the paper to stop moving around. I close one eye in an attempt to make my vision hold still, but then it is hard to align the pen with my visual field, and I still often write in the wrong box.

After getting through this torture, then the real challenge begins--addressing the envelope. My brain hates looking at a piece of paper with an address on it and transferring that information to my hand to write it on an envelope (or any piece of paper). As hard as I try, I almost ALWAYS mess up the envelope.

You might think that is an exaggeration, but it is not. I had to address three envelopes in the last four days. I messed up the addresses on ALL THREE envelopes!

Last night, my hands hurt so badly from being forced to write the last few days that I put ice on my palms in an attempt to cool down the burning sensation.

Today, I began gathering information for more paperwork I have to fill out by the end of next week. I think I will delay filling out that paperwork for a few days. My brain, eyes, and hands need a break.