As the years have rolled by, there have been things in which I have feared. I feared not being able to complete my university studies, I feared being stuck with insurmountable student loans, I feared having to live with my parents for the rest of my life, and the list of things I feared could go on and on. It seems each and every item I have ever feared, God has made it come to fruition. With each fear in which I was forced to face, I discovered only with God and His guidance could I overcome the obstacle. As much as I have tried over and over again to strike fear out of my life, new fears have silently crept in.
In April 2017, when I was researching getting a tracheostomy, the one thing which came across my radar was reading about doctors who denied their neuromuscular disease patients tracheostomies and mechanical ventilation and insisted they could breathe on their own. Unfortunately, most of the patients, if not all, have passed away when high carbon dioxide levels built up in their bodies due to respiratory muscle weakness. As I read research papers and personal accounts, I suddenly developed a fear that one day, I too, would come across a physician who would insist I did not need a tracheostomy. This fear has lingered with me. Every time I see a new physician, I have a bit of panic which courses through my veins. “Will this medical professional decide I do not need a tracheostomy and ventilator to breathe? Will I have to fight with all my might to escape the doctor’s clutches to save my life?” Like all fears in my life, God has forced me to face this terror head on.
After struggling for several months with endless respiratory infections, I sought out a new pulmonologist. I hoped, perhaps, this new physician would help me attain the proper antibiotics to fight off the infections raging in my lungs. From the moment the appointment began, the clinician was extremely concerned about my coughing and difficulty breathing. “Unfortunately, this is not something I am going to be able to treat in the outpatient setting. I am going to need to admit you to the hospital and start you on IV antibiotics. Is it ok if I send you to the emergency department with orders to treat your infections?” As much as I did not want to spend another moment in a hospital, I agreed to another hospital expedition if it meant I would finally have relief from my respiratory infections. The hospital this physician was sending me to was a new facility for me. I do not like change and do not like new environments. But, swallowing my apprehensions, I voyaged forth to the new medical center.
Upon arriving at the emergency department, everything went smoothly. I was quickly whisked away to an examination room. Tests were ordered. Despite the new surroundings and the new medical staff, everything was going well. I was trying desperately to calm my nerves and relax. But foreboding filled my soul. I was lamenting my decision to come to the hospital. I did not want to be here. I just wanted to go home. As I was chastening myself for coming to the hospital, a male and female physician walked into my room.
In an instant, the male doctor started speaking. “Why do you have a trach? There is no reason you need a trach. You can breathe on your own. We need to take you off your ventilator and pull out your tracheostomy tube. There is no reason you need a ventilator to breathe.”
As the male clinician continued his long monologue, I felt as though I was free falling. “Am I hearing all this correctly? Is this man serious? This man cannot be a pulmonologist. This man cannot assume that any normal person would want to be on a ventilator if he/she did not need it to breathe.” My head was spinning. My heart was racing. Having a doctor who wants to disconnect me from my ventilator is one of my biggest fears. Here I was connected to monitors and trapped in a tiny emergency department room with two physicians blocking the door. In a panic, I sent up an urgent prayer, “Oh, LORD Jesus, please don’t let them kill me!”
(Link to Part Two click here)
No comments:
Post a Comment