Today was an unusual day. My parents needed me to take them to the airport. Well, actually, my dad drove to the airport. I just had to drive back home. As the bright morning sunshine warms my cold skin, I smile as I enjoy the drive to the airport. The change in landscape from my usual view out my bedroom window is so refreshing. About 2.5 years ago was the last time I traveled this road. Two and a half years ago, a time before I needed my ventilator to breathe.
Before my parents arrive at the airport, they take a slight detour to a fast food restaurant to eat a quick breakfast before they start their air travels. When we arrive at the restaurant, I meander inside to use the restroom. As soon as I exit the car, I am overwhelmed with dizziness, nausea and fatigue. I manger to go inside the building to use the restroom, and as soon as I am back at the car, I collapse on to a pillow in the backseat. I feel as though my head is going to explode. My chest is heavy with intense pressure, and my ears feel as though they are full of water. I wonder how I am going to drive home.
My dad drives to the airport, and we say our good-byes. I take the driver’s seat. My head is spinning; I want to cry out in pain. Thankfully the drive home is an easy route. I am grateful when I pull into the garage. I feel so sick. I just want to climb into bed and not move. And that’s what I do for the rest of the day. I want to be productive. I have the house to myself. I need to write a Bible study for next week. I want to enjoy relaxing on the couch, but I cannot move from my bed.
As I try and try to lessen my severe headache, nausea and aching muscles, I reflect back on the day. My heart grows heavy, and my eyes fill with tears. Yes, this is the reason I rarely leave home. As much as I would love to explore the world, my body is too fragile. Oh how I would love to go to a clothing store to shop or meet with friends at a restaurant for a night out. But these desires shall remain just dreams and fantasies. Instead, I thank God for having a comfortable bed to lie on and for having the technology available for me to breathe via a ventilator. As tired and exhausted as I am, I thank God over and over again that I do not have to use my precious little energy to breathe. As my ventilator whines away, my body drifts off to sleep...to a place where singing, dancing and hanging out with friends is but a thought away.
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