Unworthy to receive so much communication

 I sit in my bed, exhausted from a long day. I am alerted to messages which are streaming in to my Facebook, YouTube and email accounts. Words or praise, questions and concerns, each word I read carefully, trying to understand the writer’s intent. People ask, “Will my father ever get better?” or "Will this tracheostomy tube be permanent?" Others sing shouts of “Thank you!” and “Praise the Lord!” as they rejoice over finding valuable information in one of my videos.

I am overwhelmed with emotions. Who am I to affect so many people? Who am I to be worthy of this much electronic communication?

A friend of mine reached out to me and told me how her life has not turned out as she had hoped, and a recent video I released helped her during a dark time. I am dumb-founded by my impact on the world. I could have never imagined people would find so much meaning from my work. It inspires me to keep on keeping on, even if I am struggling to find energy.

A Blessing After a Long Day of Sewage Cleanup

Yesterday, I decided to take a shower. For most people, this is a normal, every day affair. For me, I only shower once a week…sometimes it is less frequent if I am sick or tired. I turn on the shower water. After the water warms up, I enter the shower.

I notice the shower drain seems sluggish. Then, the drain starts backing up water faster and faster. I end my bathing time and get out. To my horror, when I exit the shower, there is water on the floor. Oh no! The shower backup is causing the toilet to leak water. I carefully sludge through sewage to get to dry floor. I dress and go to bed. I tell myself it soon will all be dry.

I lie down. A few hours later, my bathroom is submerged in water. The water was draining from my shower into my bathroom. A long night of clean-up commenced. It really did not matter how much water I scooped up and put in a bucket, any water poured down the drain from most of the rest of the house, the sewage would drain into my bathroom. My dad contacted a plumber.

I had a restless night of sleep. I had to go to the bathroom several times during the night. Every time, I had to traipse across the house to another bathroom in order to do my business. I was very tired by the time I made the trip back to my bed. Sleep was fleeting.

I was half asleep this morning when my dad came into my room and said the plumber would be here soon. I got out of bed and moved my medical equipment out of the way. I just got everything arranged when the plumber arrived. Twenty minutes later, the blockage was cleared. I was praising God for having a working bathroom again.

I went to bed for the rest of the day.

As I laid on my bed, I receive a phone call a prescription is ready for pickup. I am confused I do not have any prescriptions ready for pickup. I look online. The pharmacy contacted a doctor for a prescription refill. I have not seen this doctor in over a year. But, the doctor gave me a one year refill on a medication I use daily. I was thrilled. It saves me from having to make an appointment and get the medicine through my primary care physician.

I smiled and thanked God for His kindness. After a long day, I appreciated this wonderful blessing.

There’s a HUGE cockroach on my toothbrush!!!

On Sunday night, I am blurry-eyed and ready for a long night of sleep. I begin doing my nightly routine of setting up my IV nutrition called TPN, washing my face, putting my pajamas on, etc.

I open the cabinet in my bathroom to place my hair tie inside. I take my dental floss, yank out a small strand, and place the dental floss back in the cabinet. I floss my teeth. I set down my dental floss strand and am now ready to brush my teeth. I look into the cabinet to grab my toothbrush. There is a HUGE cockroach crawling right toward my toothbrush. I am stunned. Where did this massive bug come from? I look at the cabinet. In the back, there is a small hole which allows an electrical wire to run from an outlet on the side of the cabinet to the wall behind the cabinet. Is that where this creature came from? How did it fit its gigantic body through such a small hole?

When I regain my faculties, the cockroach is now hanging out on my toothbrush. “Rats!” I think to myself. I was hoping the cockroach would crawl out of the cabinet, but now it seems to be taking up residence on my toothbrush. I am growing impatient waiting for the cockroach to move. I do not want to disturb it. I want it to crawl forward out of the cabinet.

The cockroach finally makes it way toward me. I am dying from exhaustion. All I want to do is go to bed. I have a sandal in my hand, poised to strike the cockroach. When the massive critter crawls out of the cabinet, I strike too soon. The cockroach is shielded from a direct blow because my sandal hit the side of the cabinet. My exhaustion greatly impeded my cockroach killing skills. The cockroach, as quick as lightning, darts back into the cabinet. I am overwhelmed with disgust. I shut the cabinet door and hope however the cockroach got into the cabinet, he can find his way back out.

I hurry out of the bathroom and close the bathroom door behind me. I do not want the cockroach to find its way out of the bathroom and crawl into bed with me. I push aside the thoughts that a massive cockroach is throwing a party in my bathroom cabinet. I quickly fall asleep.

In the morning, I search for the cockroach, but I do not find it. I am happy I did not discover the roach, but I am a little concerned where the bug might have traveled to. Hopefully, the creature found a new home somewhere else…in a dark place where I do not have to see it.

Keep Your Words Few and Your Message Sweet

When I first began my YouTube channel, I read some excellent advice. The YouTube blogger stated that text online can be misconstrued. It is best to answer questions and comments on your YouTube page in as few of words as possible. Well meaning words can be perceived wrong. You do not want to make a person mad. An angry viewer can destroy your YouTube channel.

With this advice in mind, I am very cautious when replying to comments on my YouTube page. I sometimes think a few days about my response before typing up my comments. This safeguards me from carelessly writing words…words which are hard to rescind.

As I reflect on this advice, I wonder how the world would change if everyone responded to social media with such thoughtfulness and concern for one another’s well being. If you had to wait 24 hours before responding to a post, would your words change? Would you post as much as you do if everything you posted could mean the end of your social media account?

YouTube has taught me many things…one of the most important is to guard my words. I want my speech to bring blessings to those around me. Having a YouTube channel has challenged me to keep my words few and my message sweet like honey.

“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24

Blogging for 5 Years. Thank you for everything!

In the summer of 2016, I was emotionally devastated by the news that my dear friend Milly had passed away from Mitochondrial Disease. I wanted to honor my friend in some way. Milly had a YouTube channel and posted videos about her various challenges and medical conditions. I thought about creating a YouTube channel in her memory, but who am I to create videos? I did not have a laptop or any way to film myself. So, I decided to deal with my grief by creating this blog.

For 4.5 years, I wrote two blog posts a week. It was a tremendous blessing to record my life and to share with my family and friends my our struggles. Earlier this year, I decided to cut back the number of blog posts to just once a week. Early in 2021, I launched a personal YouTube channel. I traded one blog post a week for one YouTube video. I found it rather ironic that I now am doing YouTube videos just like Milly.

When this blog was started on August 1, 2016, I could never have imagined where my health would take me. About two weeks after writing my first blog post, my breathing abruptly became severe. For the next four months I struggled to breathe. In December 2016, I was started on non-invasive ventilation. On May 3, 2017, I had an urgent tracheostomy procedure to get a tracheostomy tube and be started on invasive ventilation. From there, my health has waxed and waned. My life has been fraught with frequent trips to the emergency department and too many days as a patient at the hospital. And through it all, I have had this blog and had the endless support of so many.

I sincerely thank each and every one of you for all your support. I am graceful your love and encouragement has helped me through some dark times. Thank you for turning a time of mourning into one of joy and gladness.

Is this what it means to change someone’s life?

For sixteen months, I have been making YouTube videos. It has been a lot of trial and error trying to find content and to satisfy all my viewers. I am always a little lost when making videos. What should my topic be? Is this information too personal? Will this information offend someone? Sometimes I receive messages to let me know I am on the right path, but for the most part, I am alone on my own.

Sporadically, I would receive a message from someone. A question would be asked and then the communication would end. But recently, there has been a tremendous upswing in correspondence. There are emails; Facebook, MeWe and YouTube messages. I find myself struggling to keep up. Many of the messages are heart-wrenching. They are filled with fear and trepidation. I do my best to give the person hope and pray the person finds a way to handle all their emotions.

Recently, a person noted how happy I seemed in my videos. The person had a father who got a tracheostomy and was soon to be released home. The person hoped the father would also find the happiness I had. As I read the message, I nearly broke down in tears. I always hoped my videos would be viewed as being upbeat and positive. Reading this person’s words reassured me I was on the right track.

Another person contacted me because she was doing a speech for a class. She choose me and my YouTube channel. I was dumb-founded that anyone would want to give a presentation about me. Wow! I feel a little star-struck. I also am deeply moved that so many people seemed to have been affected by my YouTube channel. After spending many years confined to my home, it is such a blessing and praise to God that He has decided to use me at this time in my life. When I thought my life was over, God has decided my life has just begun again. Who could have imagined this? Who could imagine I could change someone’s life living my life on a ventilator? Praise be to God!

Exhausted but Encouraged

Last week seemed like the longest week. I have been having issues sleeping. When I get into these slumberless fits, my body refuses to sleep during the night and will not sleep during the day. When I do manage to get some zzz’s, I wake up after a short period of rest. I tried to be productive last week, but it was so hard. My body was extremely exhausted. After a week with little slumber, I finally got some sleep on Monday night.

This week, I have a heap of things I need to do. I am trying to prioritize and get everything done, but time is quickly slipping away.

As I was getting everything ready to upload my video to YouTube, I realized I have the film edited, but I did not make a thumbnail. I really do not like making thumbnails. I am not creative. The process is often painful, and I am rarely satisfied with the end product. So now, I have to scramble to make a thumbnail for my video tomorrow.

As I was doing some things on YouTube, I happened to look at a video I uploaded 2 weeks ago. To my shock, the video was a smashing success! I often do not look at the number stats for my YouTube uploads, but this video surpassed a lot of my videos in the number of views it received, and it is only two weeks old! I was thrilled and found new inspiration to continue making films.

With that, I need to go. My YouTube thumbnail needs to be created, but my body is pulling me to sleep. Perhaps God will be gracious and allow my thumbnail to quickly fall into place.