Giving it My All, and Yet Still Rejected

 

Last week, I started a new endeavor. It was extremely stressful, but I made it through the event. I struggled all week to gain my energy back. This week, I again had a chaotic week. I exerted far too much energy on Monday. I was not able to rest all day yesterday (Tuesday) because I had Bible Study in the evening.

At Bible Study, two new people showed up. Despite having a headache and being in pain due to a back injury, I did my best to power through the night. The new people were very bold and told me I did not meet their expectations. I was rather mystified by this. Perhaps I did not gush over them, and did not ask about their families, their careers, where exactly in the community they lived, etc., but we were attending a Bible Study. I asked them some basic questions such as their names, where they were from and made some small talk with them for a few minutes. The group chatted briefly at the beginning when we discussed prayer requests. The new people did not wish to divulge anything at that time. Then, we discussed the Bible.

The night really wore me out. I did my best to include the new people in the conversation. By the end of the night, they seemed to be involved in the discussion, but then they both abruptly left because one of the new people had to get home for a Zoom meeting.

I put my heart and soul into things, and it often feels as though the world does not appreciate my efforts. Perhaps it is my tracheostomy tube and ventilator, my failing health or my desire that people feel welcomed, but at the end of the night, I felt like a complete failure...and the new people confirmed that with their words to me.

Today, I am extremely exhausted. It is hard to leave my bed. My head and back are raging in pain. I wonder why I endure so much. It would be so much simpler if I just stayed in bed all day and did not contribute anything to the world. My health would be better, and I would be in less pain.