How many people will you influence?

As I was watching a YouTube video, the presenter stated some research, “The average person will significantly influence 200 people.” That number stuck out at me. Two hundred people. Do I know that many people? I look at my friends’ list on Facebook. Well, there are over 200 people listed as my friend, but the majority of the people I never interact with.

But then I think to YouTube. I have over 400 subscribers. Over 400 people have felt the need to hit the “subscribe” button on my YouTube videos. Some of those people have become very near and dear to me. And then there is my top rated video which has almost 11,000 views. Have I influenced any of those people?

As I lie in my bed, I feel hopeful. Despite having chronic illnesses which make leaving the confines of my home difficult, I am still helping others. This is perhaps the greatest blessing about having a YouTube channel. I can still share my experiences with others without ever leaving my room. I can help people through instructional videos, inspire people through spiritual stories and encourage others that whatever we face in life, there is always something good in every situation.

Since becoming severely sick 10+ years ago, I always envisioned the end of my life would go unnoticed except by a few close family members. But as I have learned from others with YouTube channels, even when our life ends here on earth, our videos on YouTube remain. We can continue to inspire and help others even after we take our last breath…and that goes far beyond anything I am able to comprehend.

 

 

Trying to stay motivated, but sickness weighs me down

 After having four hospitalizations in four weeks, I am struggling to keep up with life. I have tasks which are piling up to be done, but I have no motivation or energy to do them.

I lie in bed this morning, fighting through the side effects of taking pain medicine. The previous night, I suffered for about 12 hours with intense pain in my pancreas. Waves of nausea sweep over me. My intestines churn, wanting to throw up. I cautiously take pain and nausea medicine. I chew the pills and swallow them, taking only a tiny sip of water. An hour later I throw up. I pray the medicine was able to make it in my bloodstream before I vomited.

I hug a heating pad and try to distract myself with YouTube videos and listening to the Bible. I am miserable. I pray to God these symptoms pass quickly. After several hours with the pain increasing, I break down and take more pain medicine. This time, the pain medicine makes me very tired. I fall asleep around 6 a.m.

At 8 a.m. I wake up and am thankful I am not in pain. I move and the pain comes back. I feel woozy, have a headache and have this yucky feeling in my body. These symptoms are side effects from taking pain medicine. I stay in bed for the morning, trying to sleep and trying to feel better. 

I have a lot of things to do today. I need to write two YouTube scripts, begin pre-production for the videos and create thumbnails for the videos. The clock keeps ticking. I have no energy. I have no motivation. I think to myself, “Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.” I carefully eat some soup; the pain in my pancreas increases. I thank God I have IV nutrition which will keep me hydrated. I go back to bed and wait for better health.

Feeding Tube Pain…Is it Getting Worse?

It has been six weeks since my feeding was placed. I was hoping the pain in my abdomen would decrease as the days and weeks passed. It did lessen at first, but now, my feeding tube site is extremely sore. I finally took out the stitches which were holding the tube in place on Sunday. As soon as the feeding tube was free to hang on its own, pain exploded at the feeding tube insertion site. Any time I touch the feeding tube, I writhe in pain. It is hard to move because if I move, my feeding tube moves. I tell myself it is my imagination I am in so pain. It has been six weeks. The pain is not getting worse…or is it?

I am desperate for relief. I do not want to take pain medicine because I have a limited supply. My appointment with my GI doctor is not until the end of May. Can I wait that long for medical intervention? Will the doctor agree I should have the feeding tube removed? Then, I will have to have a consult with the surgeon and get a surgery set-up. If I use the timeline of getting the feeding tube placed, to have the feeding tube removed would not happen until September. Five months of unrelenting pain. Five months of having no energy due to the constant pain. And then there is always possibility that my GI doctor will not agree for me to have the feeding tube removed. What then?

I wait. I pray. I ask God for relief from this non-stop pain. My back hurts. My shoulder hurts. My abdomen hurts and swells any time I eat. I thank God I am able to get about two thirds of my calories via IV nutrition…but I wonder how long this current GI crisis will last.

Staying strong in the midst of uncertainty

I like my life to be organized and predictable. I like routines and knowing exactly how each day will unfold. Unfortunately, my life been the exact opposite. There have been endless doctor’s appointments, frantic trips to the emergency department and too many days spent in the hospital. I often get upset that my life has been interrupted.

I look around my surroundings and wonder when so many things have changed. I have a PICC line, ventilator, IV nutrition (TPN), IV antibiotics and a J-tube. I have to time my life around my antibiotic infusions and have to struggle with an IV pole carrying my TPN. As much as I want to be upset by this new living arrangement, I remind myself these items are keeping me alive.

I film a YouTube video and make sure I have a smile on my face. As challenging as this life can be, I do not want negative emotions to infiltrate my videos. I desire for my audience to find courage and to stay strong no matter how uncertain life may be. As frustrated as I often am that my daily life has been thrown into chaos, I use each obstacle to find ways to see the good around me. If I can inspire one person to find courage and carry on, then my uncertainly turns into hope.