Some days as hard as I try...

Some days, as hard as I try, I feel like a complete failure. I try to figure out this disease; I try to find ways to live with all its complications, and yet, there are days in which my best efforts leave me feeling completely defeated.

Since the end of July, I have been fighting a respiratory tract infection. My last round of antibiotics was in February. A week after the antibiotics ended, I could feel the infection coming back. I have not directly sought medical intervention locally because I am always told the same thing: "Your chest X-ray is clear; you don't have pneumonia." During this time, I have also been fighting through pancreatitis. I have gone to the emergency department several times due to extreme pancreatic pain and nausea. Of course, my coughing and gasping for breath always arouses suspicion I might have pneumonia. A chest X-ray is ordered, but when it comes back clear, I am told I do not have pneumonia, and no treatment is given.

Of late, my trachea has become quite inflamed, making speaking and coughing very difficult. My trachea has swelled up around my trach tube, leaving almost no room for air to travel up around the trach tube, through my vocal cords and out my mouth.

Since I know nothing will be done locally, I am patiently waiting for my pulmonology appointment at the large medical facility 400 miles from my house. I would not be too upset about the difficulty breathing, talking and coughing; however, I live each week for Bible study. This last week, as hard as I tried to get through the study, I had to leave 15 minutes early because I could no longer speak and was overcome with violent coughing fits. My airways completely swelled up, leaving me coughing and gasping to breathe. Although I am very grateful God allowed me to get though almost all of the Bible study, I feel completely defeated that I could not get through the last 15 minutes. I know it is just an insignificant incidence, but I feel crushed. As hard as I tried, I simply could not overcome this respiratory infection; I could not overcome Mitochondrial Disease.