Worn out by the length of my days

After spending three months isolated from the world, my life was abruptly changed when nagging chest pain started becoming worrisome. One visit to the doctor sent my world into chaotic tailspin. In 12 days, I had four trips to the emergency department, three doctors appointments, two ambulance rides and one hospitalization. I had EKGs, x-rays, ultrasound, an echocardiogram, a ventilation/perfusion scan, urine samples, endless blood draws and six IV lines. Both my arms are covered in bruises from broken blood vessels due to collapsed and ruptured veins. My life included cardiology, nuclear medicine, radiology, family medicine, emergency medicine, physical therapy, occupational therapy and many other medical folks poking, prodding and asking me too many questions.

I lie in a pain ridden heap on my bed, grateful and thankful to finally be left alone...but the memories of these last 12 days haunt me. I think back to the day when my severe chest pain exploded into an episode of crushing chest pain, not being able to breathe, having my heart race and become irregular, and feeling as if I was going to die from the overwhelming fight to stay alive. Despite all this, after going to the emergency department via ambulance, my symptoms were brushed aside. I found out when I went to another emergency department at another hospital, my symptoms were life-threatening. I had a large blood clot in my lungs which probably would have killed most other people, but I made it through.

Then there are the complications. The blood clot damaged my lungs and put a tremendous amount of stress on my heart, causing it to fail. I developed blood clots in my legs, which sent more blood clots to my lungs, and again strained my heart and lungs.

These 12 days seem surreal. Where did the peace and quiet go from my last three months? Why is this all happening so suddenly? Why must this all be happening at a time when getting medical care is extremely difficult? As images of people wearing face shields, multiple face masks and being gowned from head to toe in disposable medical gear float through my mind, the alien feeling I experience from the lack of facial expressions and people being afraid to stand near another human being seems to sum up my emotions. This is a strange and foreign world we are living in; nothing seems right and everything seems wrong. I am worn out by the length of my days. I want to say it is hopeless. Yet, I know despair will not serve God. Despondency will not bring love, joy and peace to the world. I gather up my courage and look toward the future. May whatever lies before me be a blessing to the world around me.