Please let it not be Dean!

As I sit in the kitchen thinking about my recent health adventures, my father starts telling me a fragmented story. Our neighbor bought an electric bike. A half hour later, my father begins a new story. A man committed suicide. Ten minutes later, my father connects the two stories. Our neighbor bought the bike at an estate sale. It was the man who committed suicide. My dad then relates to me that a man who works security quit his job as a security officer. He then committed suicide.

Immediately, my heart sinks and I pray, "Please, let it not be Dean!"

Dean works security for our community. He closes up the community center and patrols the streets. I often see Dean after Bible study. He usually is in the parking lot waiting for our group to leave the building. We frequently pass each other in the parking lot. Dean always is upbeat and is super friendly. I look forward to seeing the man.

I am desperate to find out the identity of the man who died. I think about Facebook. Maybe I can look up Dean's wife's Facebook page. I frantically try to think of her name. Suddenly, the woman's first and last name pop into my head. I place her name in the Facebook search and praise God her page pops up on the search results page. I click in to her homepage. And there, on her page, is a HUGE list of condolence messages. "Rest in peace Dean." "Sorry for your loss." "So sad..."

Tears burst forth from my eyes. How can this be? How could this man end his life? This man was very active in his church.

As I think about this last thought, deep sadness takes root. His faith was not strong enough.

I suddenly think back to my own life. How many times have my symptoms been so overwhelming I have wanted a fast escape? Have I wanted this misery to end? The one thing I always think upon is the Bible verse, "Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are" (1 Corinthians 3:16-17).

From the Bible, we know that God is very angry if someone intentionally destroys His temple. I cannot imagine the wrath God would have for someone who takes his own life. As much as I want to believe the words, "Dean is now resting easy," I do not want to think about the eternal condemnation a person must suffer for ending his own life. As hard as this life may be, this life is short. Eternity is beyond my comprehension and stretches into the great unknown.

As these thoughts swirl in my head, I click through a few posts on Facebook. And there on my friend's page are some of the sweetest words someone has written about me. My dear friend and former roommate, Heather, from undergraduate shared one of my YouTube videos and wrote very kind words about me. I thank God at this moment for this beautiful friendship.

I wipe the tears from my face and prepare for a long night ahead of me. My pancreas is acting up and causing significant pain. There is so much to think about and so much to pray about. As much as I despise these pancreatitis attacks, I am thankful I still alive.