Blessed is the man who is having trials

As another day passes in which I am frustrated and exhausted from dealing with the medical community, I try as hard as I can to not let the tears flow down my cheeks. I am so worn down; my patience is growing thin. I feel as though I have been fighting a never ending battle. First, in June of 2017, I was fighting to get a tracheostomy tube to which I was not allergic. Then in July 2017, I acquire my first respiratory tract bacterial infection while hospitalized. From there, I have never been given the correct antibiotics and now have five (hospital-acquired) bacterial infections.

Then in December 2017, my chronic pancreatitis exploded into severe daily pain. In March, I started having frequent pancreatitis attacks. Despite trying over and over again to get pain medication, I never have succeed. While hospitalized, I often am given nothing or very weak pain meds. Now, I no longer go to the hospital when I have a pancreatitis attack. I can writhe and scream in pain for hours on end more comfortably in my own bed than I can in a hospital where I know I am surround by pain medication (and yet none is usually given to me).

Of late, I have undergone tests and procedures which in addition to leaving me severely exhausted, have caused increased illness. I try to be obedient to clinicians’ demands, but no one seems to understand how much energy is wasted enduring and recovering from procedures and tests. With each test, I feel as though a few more of the days of my life have been cut short.

When I arrive at doctors’ appointments, I often still have wet hair from the shower and have my backpack filled with essentials needed for a hospital stay. So many of my doctors’ appointments have turned into emergency department visits and subsequently, hospitalizations. I usually schedule my doctors’ appointments early in the afternoon because I know if I am transferred to the emergency department, they are not very busy during this time.

I feel like the solutions to many of my medical ailments are so simple. Give me a long course of the correct antibiotics to fight off the bacterial infections. Prescribe fentanyl patches to help fight off the pain raging in my pancreas.

As much as I feel so broken, I have learned through studying the book of James that God gives trials to those faithful in Him. With each test, we either pass or fail. If we fail, we endure the same challenges over and over again until we succeed. Once we pass the exam, God gives us new obstacles to overcome which are harder and more rigorous than our previous ones. So, as my life with Mitochondrial Disease becomes harder and harder to endure, I try to rejoice knowing I must have passed my previous trials. I pray that God will allow me relief from my symptoms. But I know great rewards lie ahead to those who endure to the end. So with eternity in view, I dry up my tears and continue forth knowing whatever challenges lie ahead, God is there; God is watching; God is judging if I pass or fail. “Blessed is the man that is having trials for when he is tried, he shall receive the crown of life, which the Lord has promised to them that love Him” (James 1:12).