A space alien no more

Last spring, when I was using non-invasive ventilation 24/7, I often felt like a space alien. I always had to wear my full-face BiPAP mask in order to keep high pressure air flowing into my nose and mouth. The high pressure air was essential in forcing air into my lungs. By forcing my lungs to inhale, my body was able to more fully able to exhale, ridding my body of carbon dioxide. If I took off my mask, I was once again in a low pressure environment. My body could not properly exhale carbon dioxide and very soon, toxic levels of carbon dioxide would build up in my blood. So although taking off my mask did not mean I would inhale poisonous gas (like I imagine would happen to space aliens if they visited our planet), taking off my mask was almost just as deadly when my body could no longer properly get rid of carbon dioxide.

With all this being said, anytime I left my house, I always had to wear my BiPAP mask. This was very challenging. Wearing the mask meant I could not talk to people. Also, I could not communicate via facial expressions because no one could see my face with the full-face mask on. Of course having a large plastic mask on my face which was hooked up via long tubing to a ventilator meant that people would ALWAYS stare at me. People would sometimes whisper, and kids would look with wide eyes at me. I really felt like a space alien and was not able to communicate with people while wearing the mask. When I got to the checkout lane at the grocery store, the only way I could converse with the cashier was by shaking my head "yes" or "no".

After having surgery which placed a tracheostomy tube in my throat and allowed me to breathe via invasive ventialtion, I suddenly was freed from the large mask on my face. The day I was discharged after having my tracheostomy surgery, the very first place I visited was the grocery store. People still stared at me because that is what people do when they see someone riding around on a motorized scooter with a tube in her throat connected via tubing to a ventilator. But now, everything was different! When people stared, I could smile back at them. I often would also greet them, which seemed to startle people. Either people in a stunned disbelief greeted me back, or they quickly turned away from me. When kids stared at me with their wide eyes, I smiled and waved at them. When I got to the checkout lane, it was such a relief to be able to communicate with the cashier. How joyous it was to say, "Thank you!" or even to say "yes" or "no".

What a joy it is to smile! What a joy it is to be able to speak! What joy it is to no longer have a giant mask on my face and no longer be a space alien!