On your mark! Get set! Knock, knock! The hospital bathroom game

Whilst hospitalized, using the bathroom is always a fun game to play. I have learned from previous hospital stays, it is best to plan your drinking (and subsequent bathroom usage) carefully. For example, mornings are always a rush of people in your room--doctors, nurses, housekeeping, food service, etc. If you want to guarantee an uninterrupted time in the bathroom, it is best to go to early. Once 7 a.m. comes, there is little hope of making it to and from the bathroom without someone coming into your room.

With all this said, today I felt the urge to go at 1 p.m. The doctors had already come to my room, it was between nurses checking vital signs, and the lunch meal service had come and gone. I thought I was clear for bathroom usage. I slowly unhooked my blood pressure cuff, heart rate monitor and pulse oxygenation monitor. I then disconnected from my ventilator since the one at the hospital is not very portable. I carefully edged my way to the side of the bed. I untangled my IV line and slipped out of bed. Very cautiously, I made my way to the bathroom, pushing my IV pole. I get to the bathroom and am just about ready to turn on the light when, "Knock, knock!" The respiratory therapist enters my room. She wants to check the ventilator and look at my vital signs. I retrace my steps; get back in bed; hook back up the ventilator, blood pressure cuff, heart monitor and pulse oxygenation monitor. The respitratory therpatist notes all my numbers and then leaves.

After the therapist leaves, I again unhook all my monitors and ventilator and make my way back to the bathroom. I do my job and am in midst of pulling up my pants when, "Knock, knock!" The dietician is at my room door. I do not acknowledge her presence. She can see the bathroom light is on, and the bed is empty. She leaves. I wash my hands and make it back to bed. I slowly ease myself into bed, sitting at the edge of the bed. I hook my ventilator back up and enjoy a few quick breaths of air before, "Knock, knock!" The dietician is back in my room. I answer her questions. In a few minutes she leaves. I am just pushing myself up into bed when, "Knock, knock!" My nurse enters my room to check my temperature. He takes my tempature. I then hook back up all my monitors. The nurse looks at my vitals on the large monitor in my room. He then leaves.

I lie in bed, frantically breathing as my body gets rid of the carbon dioxide which built up in my body during the brief time I was off my ventilator. When I recover, I start laughing uncontrollably! In the afternoon, no one usually visits my room. But of course, when I had to go to the bathroom, an invisible alarm went off sending people to my room to play the bathroom game. On your mark! Get set! Knock, knock!