51 Weeks...A Broken Promise

One year ago, my life started a new chapter. With all the changes in my life, I decided to make a commitment. "Lord, I wish to attend church for one full year." With this commitment made, I embarked on a one year journey, which has been perhaps the most challenging year of my life.

This fall as my breathing became a heavy burden, there were many, MANY Sundays in which I simply did not have the energy to go to church. But remembering my promise to God, I got up each Sunday and somehow made it to church.

One Sunday this winter, I was exceptionally sick. I was extremely nauseas. Despite this, I went to church. On the way, I stopped two times to vomit. I then turned around and started driving home. I drove a very short distance before I had to vomit again. I was praying to God, "Lord, make me feel better or I cannot fulfill my promise. You know I need to feel better to make it to church. Heal me or I am going home." After vomiting the third time, I suddenly felt less nauseas. I sat for a little bit, letting the cold air from the air conditioner dry my sweat-drenched face. In a short time, I felt as though I could make it to church. I turned the car back around and went to church. It is nothing short of a miracle I was able to attend service that day!

This spring, I was in constant prayer to God on Sunday mornings. "Lord, give me the strength to make it through another church service." The final month of Sundays, I was physically in church, but the tremendous brain fog and mental confusion from high carbon dioxide levels due to respiratory failure limited my ability to understand what was going on around me. I kept praying, "Lord, I have to make it until May to fulfill my promise." May 7 would be the final Sunday I needed to fulfill my promise to God.

As hard as I tried, I failed to keep my vow. On May 3, I had surgery to get a tracheostomy. On Friday, May 5, I was in the ICU ward of the hospital in utter despair. The doctor said it would be at least several days before I would be discharged. I was crushed that I was going to be breaking my vow. God, hearing the lamentations of my heart, sent my pastor to visit me in the hospital. My spirit revived upon seeing him. "Oh Lord, I know this is not Sunday and this is not church, but here is my pastor. I pray that this is a sign that it is ok that I could not fulfill my vow. I tried Lord, but I am not sure I could have endured much longer without getting a tracheostomy. Please forgive me for making a vow and breaking it."

This Sunday, I used all my strength and energy to go to church. My mom thought I was crazy. "You just got out of the hospital and are still recovering from surgery. You are not going to church." As much as she protested, I was determined to go to church. I knew I owed God one more Sunday. Resigning herself to my request, my mom drove me to church. (Thanks mom!) As some of the ladies at church were talking to me, many of them mentioned how much color my face now had. "The last time you were at church, your face was as white as that wall," several ladies remarked. Like a soft embrace, these words comforted my soul. I indeed was very sick. I was fighting to live. The church ladies' words were confirmation that I needed to get the tracheostomy.

Although I am extremely sad I had to break my vow, I am very grateful that this Sunday, I was able to enjoy the sermon! What a blessing it is to be able to hear and understand the preacher now that my carbon dioxide levels are normal! Praise be to God! "Lord, I would love to make another vow to attend church for one year. However, we both know how fragile my health is. I would hate to break another vow. Instead, please give me the strength to attend many services this year. Thank you for challenging me to rise above this illness and seek Your glory. Amen."