Staring at the wall

So lost...so tired...so short of breath. The last couple weeks, my health has been greatly challenging me. My respiratory muscles are growing noticeably weaker, and the rest of the muscles in my body groan with fatigue and pain. I watch my ventilator as it tells me while lying down, I take 25-30 breaths per minute. Upon sitting, my breaths increase to 30-40 per minute. If I leave my bed to sit or move about, my breathing increases to 60-85 breaths per minute. It takes a great effort to breathe. My chest and abdomen strain with effort to inhale. Although my body is gripped in a tight vice of fatigue, my breathing often remains too rapid to allow my body to drift off to sleep.

I patiently waited for my doctor's appointment with my pulmonologist this week. My one ray of hope that something could be done to lessen the energy and effort my body is exerting to keep me breathing. Unfortunately, the appointment came and went and nothing happened. I did pulmonary lung function tests which revealed my respiratory muscles are severely weakened. But, the doctor just said to follow up in a month. When I tried to make a follow up appointment, I was informed the doctor's next available appointment is in two months. My heart sank, and my eyes filled with tears. I have fought so hard to make it through the last two weeks...two more months of waiting seems like an eternity. How much more fatigue can my respiratory muscles endure?

I have tried to seek out specialists in the field of neuromuscular disease. One facility there is a nine month wait; another medical center it is a six month wait. So, here I am lying motionless, staring at the wall, praying God will direct my steps. "Lord, I am tired. Lord, hear my prayer. Please move mountains and make my way level before me. Please lessen my suffering. Please give me strength, energy and hope as I patiently wait for You. Lord, allow me to glorify You through this all. Amen."