Taking a break after 8.5 years

Eight and a half years ago, I began attending a Bible study. I love the group and always look forward to attending the sessions. The number of participants waxes and wanes. In days gone by, our low numbers used to be in the winter, and the group’s attendance soared in the summertime when other Bible studies went on a summer break.

However, of late, the reverse has been happening. The group’s numbers are larger in the winter and tiny in the summer. During the summer of last year, there were some weeks where I was the only participant.

With that being said, the decision was made to take off this year for the summer. It broke my heart to not meet, but I understood it was for the best. There was no need for me to come every week if a majority of the participants were going to be busy during the summer months.

Tonight was the first night I have not gone to Bible study in 8.5 years. (I have missed in the past due to illness and going out of town, but tonight was the first night I did not have any scheduling conflict and did not attend Bible study.) Oddly, I nearly forgot tonight was the night we usually have Bible study. Perhaps I have too many things going on in my life, and Bible study is no longer the one thing I look forward to every week. Or perhaps, after 8.5 years, I am ready for a break.

Giving it My All, and Yet Still Rejected

 Last week, I started a new endeavor. It was extremely stressful, but I made it through the event. I struggled all week to gain my energy back. This week, I again had a chaotic week. I exerted far too much energy on Monday. I was not able to rest all day yesterday (Tuesday) because I had Bible Study in the evening.

At Bible Study, two new people showed up. Despite having a headache and being in pain due to a back injury, I did my best to power through the night. The new people were very bold and told me I did not meet their expectations. I was rather mystified by this. Perhaps I did not gush over them, and did not ask about their families, their careers, where exactly in the community they lived, etc., but we were attending a Bible Study. I asked them some basic questions such as their names, where they were from and made some small talk with them for a few minutes. The group chatted briefly at the beginning when we discussed prayer requests. The new people did not wish to divulge anything at that time. Then, we discussed the Bible.

The night really wore me out. I did my best to include the new people in the conversation. By the end of the night, they seemed to be involved in the discussion, but then they both abruptly left because one of the new people had to get home for a Zoom meeting.

I put my heart and soul into things, and it often feels as though the world does not appreciate my efforts. Perhaps it is my tracheostomy tube and ventilator, my failing health or my desire that people feel welcomed, but at the end of the night, I felt like a complete failure...and the new people confirmed that with their words to me.

Today, I am extremely exhausted. It is hard to leave my bed. My head and back are raging in pain. I wonder why I endure so much. It would be so much simpler if I just stayed in bed all day and did not contribute anything to the world. My health would be better, and I would be in less pain.

The Great Debate: Serving Myself versus Serving Others

For the last several years, I have been in a fierce battle. I have been trying to find a happy medium between serving myself and serving others. The needs of others are immense. People are constantly screaming for me to help them. I do what I can. I answer messages, comments, emails, etc. sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes people say, "Thanks." And then there are those who never acknowledge I spent several hours answering all their inquiries.

This spring, I began a new endeavor--leading a 13 week grief support group. The group in and of itself was nothing too strenuous. It was no problem for me to encourage people to share their grief. The biggest issue for me is to travel 30 minutes to the location, set-up the room, do the support group, tear down the room and then travel 30 minutes back home. When I arrived home, I went straight to bed for a few days. My body does not have 3.5 hours of energy to devote to such a task.

This summer (with the grief support group finished), I was planning on taking a break. I want time to work on my book. Of late, I have been scrambling just to get my YouTube videos out. The thought of having some time to just rest seems like a dream.

However, a new dilemma has arisen. There is a possibility I can do a new session of the 13 week grief support group at a local community center which is just down the street from me. I would not have to travel to and from the venue, and I would not have to set-up the space. I crave so desperately to have some time off, but I wonder if that would be a mistake. So many people are hurting and desperately need a grief support group.

I know the days I have on earth are very limited. I need to make the most out of them. If I am not doing something productive, I have a tremendous sense of guilt that I am not doing what God wants me to do. My biggest fear is that after I die I will be scolded by God for wasting time. I dread hearing the words, "You wicked and slothful servant. I gave you so much, but instead you wasted your life by laying in bed." The great debate of serving myself versus serving others rages on.

Just an Eerie Coincidence?

This week I did something I do not normally do--I filmed and edited a video to be released the same week. Normally, there is a lag time between filming, editing and uploading. However, since I have been extremely busy, I have almost zero videos ready for release. So, I set forth on this hurried mission.

Yesterday, as I was editing, I decided to include photos of two figure skaters. I am not sure why, but I felt as though I wanted to include photos of people figure skating in my video. I finished the final touches on the video this morning. I now need to upload the video to YouTube to be released on Sunday.

I heard about last night's plane crash in Washington, D.C. I was devastated to hear so many people died in the horrific accident. I then was further gutted when I learned 14 people who passed away were part of the figure skating community. Then a cold shiver ran down my back when I recalled yesterday I had an intense feeling I needed to honor figure skating in my video.

My deepest condolences to all those affected by the crash. May the memories of those who perished be a blessing.

Having my day planned...and then it all changes

Yesterday, I had a big day planned for myself. After feeling poorly for the first part of the week, I woke up yesterday morning after a very long night's worth of sleep and decided I was going to be productive. I needed to edit a YouTube video. I then had a few things I wanted to get done such as wiping off my bathroom counter and repairing some tears in my comforter.

I was getting ready to begin my day. I was so excited to finally be getting some YouTube editing done. Then, the phone rang. It was a family member who needed me to go with him to the city. I was bummed. Everything I had wanted to do for the day would be put on hold. However, I agreed to my relative's request.

As I was getting ready to leave, I realized I missed a telemedicine appointment. I frantically called my doctor's office, apologized for missing the televisit and asked to reschedule. Thankfully, I was able to get an appointment for later in the day.

When I got home in the afternoon, every fiber of my body throbbed with pain and exhaustion. My blood clots were raging out of control, causing a horrible headache. I crawled into bed and hoped taking many doses of blood thinning medicine would help. Eventually, the headache calmed down enough to allow me to sit up.

I logged into to my telemedicine appointment. The visit was extremely fast. I was so grateful the appointment went well.

I spent the night catching up on YouTube correspondence. I have been extremely behind on social media. As hard as I pushed myself, at 9 p.m., I decided it was time to go to bed for the night. I was too exhausted to keep my eyes open, and my head was throbbing.

I slept long, but when I woke up this morning, I was very tired. I could barely move my hands due to pain and muscle stiffness. I have attempted to be productive today, but I am just too fatigued to move. I suppose I should not be frustrated, but I am. I wanted to get a YouTube video edited so I could move on to other YouTube videos.

Hopefully, I will be able to rest this weekend, and start next week with more energy. Maybe one day, too, I will finally have the time and energy to repair my comforter. Have a great weekend.

Remember the world does not always like kindness

This week has been very chaotic. On Monday, I went to an event. A strange thing happened. Two people gave me compliments. I was shocked and stunned. As of late, so many people have vented their dislike of me, it was hard to accept kind words.

The following day, I met two new people. I did my best to be hospitable. Could I have done things differently? Yes. But I thought I was very cordial and tried hard to be kind to the people. The two people let me know they were displeased with me. As hard as I had tried and continued to try, the people did not like me.

Last night, I did something which is hard for me to do. I called someone on the phone. The phone call was one of concern. The person is having health issues. I wanted to get an update and ask if the person needed any prayers.

The phone call was a disaster. It was as if I walked into a land mine. The person was hostile towards me and was very upset I called. I wanted to ask the person a few things, but the phone call disconnected. I waited a few minutes, and then I called the person back. The person did not answer the phone. I left a message and asked the person to call me back. So far, my call has not been returned.

After the great start to the week, I need to remind myself there are those in the world who have an immense dislike towards me. I try to be nice. I try to be kind. But so often, as hard as I try, my efforts are met with disdain and hate. I have no animosity toward the people this week who were less than kind to me. In fact, I have prayed for them. They need peace, comfort and kindness in their lives. As much as I would like to give that to them, they cannot accept the gifts if they are unwilling to receive them. My heart aches as I think about these very broken people.

What is that smell...oh, it's me!

Many people in this world love showering. I am not one of those individuals. It takes a lot of effort to wrap up my IV line (PICC line) in plastic and keep it dry during my encounter with the water pouring down on top of me. I shower as fast as I can because the exercise in hygiene really tires me out.

And the part I hate the most is feeling "wet" for the next four hours (maybe more maybe less depending on the day). I do not like to feel damp. With having long hair, it takes about four hours for my hair to dry, and even after it dries, it still feels damp to me. My trach tube holder gets wet when showering, and it takes several hours for that to dry. It also does not matter how much I dry off my skin, my body just feels damp for several hours after showering.

With all that said, I do not like showering. I try to plan when I shower to when I film YouTube. My hair looks the best the day after I shower. So, I attempt to coordinate my showering with when I am going to film YouTube.

This week, my hair was a tangled mess from filming last week. (I usually have to use hair spray in my hair, but last week, my hair was doing its own thing. I had to use A LOT or hairspray to calm down my unruly hair.) I meant to wash my hair on Sunday because I had an appointment on Monday. However, that did not happen. I did my best on Monday to run a brush through my hair and pulled my hair into a braid.

My appointment went very awry, which caused me a lot of stress. Stress makes me sweat profusely. Even though I was freezing to death because the heat was not working in the building, after I left the appointment, I was drenched in sweat. When I got home, I stunk. I needed to shower. Unfortunately, I was far too exhausted to endure a shower.

A friend came in from out of town yesterday. I was able to meet her and talk with her. I hoped she did not notice that I really stunk. I was wearing several layers of clothing and hoped she did not breathe in when hugging me.

This morning, I took off my pajamas, and an awful odor hit my nostrils. I gasped to myself, "What is that smell?" I then realized it was me. I mustered up the strength and energy to take a shower by resting all morning. This afternoon, I endured the torture of taking a shower, and now I am battling my hair being wet and feeling gross because I showered. But at last, my hair is free from the hairspray, and I no longer smell.

Now that my hair is clean, I should probably film YouTube tomorrow. I have no scripts written and have no ambition. Perhaps tonight, I will be struck with an amazing burst of creative energy...if not, I will spend tomorrow lamenting that I have not filmed anything this week.