How Will You Be Remembered

Five years ago, I attended a friend’s funeral. She was a mother, a daughter and a regular at church. She had musical abilities and was exceptional with the culinary arts.

When the woman passed away, I listened at the funeral to people’s remarks about the woman. They recalled my friend’s ability to make this dessert or that side dish. People salivated as they thought about her candy, cakes and other sweet treats. I was shocked by how much people were going to miss this woman’s food. Did she not attend church regularly and serve the church on a regular basis? Did no one care about this woman’s devotion to God?

As I allowed the comments to penetrate my brain, I made a resolution: I wanted to be remembered at my funeral for my love for God. Yes, people could speak about other topics, but the one thing I wished to be remembered for is how hard I tried to serve God.

As the years have passed, I have diligently tried to serve God in the best way I know—through my words and actions. I do not proclaim I am doing anything in God’s name, but when people ask what I am reading (which is almost always the Bible) or what I am listening to (which is almost always the Bible or a sermon on the Bible), I hope my response helps the other person understand it is my life’s work to serve God.

I know some people like to loudly proclaim their actions are to serve the blessed One, but I prefer to keep undercover. If someone notices I have a different attitude than the rest of the world, or I am not bothered by the chaos around me, I prefer for my uniqueness to set me apart.

Recently, some of my friends posted on my Facebook page about my love and dedication to serve God. Their words made me cry. For five years, I have been striving to love the LORD God with all my heart, soul and mind..and it seems a few people have noticed. For that I am extremely grateful. I have no idea how people will remember me when I go the way of the dust, but I truly hope they remember me for the person who lived, died and tried…always failing short of the glory of God, but always striving to become a better person in God’s image.

Pancreatitis: The unrelenting food fight

Since 2009, it has been almost a daily fight between my will to eat and my pancreas’ anger towards food. There are times when food causes few symptoms. While other days, weeks or months are non-stop battles of constant pain, nausea, diarrhea and pancreas spasming.

As the years have passed, my diet consists of less and less. I have had issues with eating fat since I was a child. So, most fatty foods have been avoided for many years of my life. Next on the chopping block were grains—wheat, rye, barley, rice, corn, etc. Then I eliminated sugar.  Soon I started eating only organic food. Then I began eating only food I prepared myself. No food from restaurants, and no packaged food from the store. Next I went to a vegetarian diet, eating fruits, vegetables and only a little bit of dairy. I kept cutting out more and more foods to try to ward off pancreatitis attacks.

Since November, my diet has reduced down even more. I am eating mostly cooked vegetables, a small amount of fruit and sometimes I drink a little bit of milk. Although my body desperately needs protein, I avoid it like the plague. When my heart races, my head spins, and feel as though I am going to die from fatigue, I know my protein levels are too low. I slowly sip a few ounces of milk, take pancreatic enzymes and hope my pancreas doesn’t spasm into a bad pain attack.

I wait and wait for a solution to my pancreas to be figured out, but for the moment, I am told by my GI doctor this is just chronic pancreatitis. I know what chronic pancreatitis is, but I feel as though this is getting out of hand. My weight keeps dropping, my pancreas hurts all the time, and moving the wrong way or riding in the car causes my pancreas to rage out of control. As I endure each pain attack, I feel as though the pain is worse than the previous attack. I shake uncontrollably from the pain, I fight to breathe and sometimes I start screaming unintentionally. I fight through the long hours of unrelenting pain and horrific spasming of my pancreas. When the attack ends, I wonder how long it will be until my next attack. Sometimes it is three days and sometimes it is 14 days. I dread the thought of having to endure another one of these attacks.

I keep waiting and waiting for relief to come…but for the moment, every day it is s struggle between eating and enduring endless pain.

When I want to quit, God gives a blessing

I lie in bed exhausted. My pancreas is raging out of control. I ate a small amount of soup for breakfast and BAM! Excruciating pain! I took a precious pain pill. The pill has taken effect (as noted by the side effects I feel), but the pain remains.

I want to curl up and not move. I want to quit life. I do not want to work on things which need to be done—I have YouTube scripts which need to be written. I have been thinking all morning maybe I should stop creating YouTube videos. I am getting too old and have too little energy to dedicate to the projects. Yes, quitting…that sounds like a good idea.

As I meditate on not filming another video, I see I have a notification on my YouTube channel. I am curious what the notification means. Do I have a message? Did someone subscribe to my channel? I decide not to click on the bell icon to find out.

I click open my emails. I see an email from YouTube stating I have a message on one of my videos. I now know what the notification on my channel page is. I have an unread message. I click open the email from YouTube. To my shock, it is a long message. The person states from my YouTube videos she felt confident to get a tracheostomy. She had the procedure two days ago and has a few questions.

Tears spring up in my eyes. My YouTube channel helped someone. My words/actions inspired someone. I take a moment to thank God for this blessing. As severe as the pain is in my abdomen, I suddenly realize it is not a reason to quit making YouTube videos.

I lie in bed for some energy to return to my body. I think about how I will respond to the message. I then tell myself perhaps I will continue for a few more weeks making videos. Perhaps one more person may find my channel useful.