Pain and Exhaustion

Some days, I feel like a complete failure. I am exhausted from a long day (well, it actually was only 4 hours) of being in the car and then going to an appointment. The ride to a medical appointment was brutal on my fragile pancreas. By the time I arrived at the appointment, I was gasping for air and shaking uncontrollably in pain.

The appointment was not fruitful. Although I had high hopes, God had other plans.

I came home, froze to the bone. I put heavy weight clothing on and curled up with a heating pad on my pancreas. The headache from being out and about pulses with each beat of my heart. I take acetaminophen in hopes this will alleviate both my headache and pain which is raging in my pancreas and shoulder. I desperately want to take something stronger, but between my limited supply of pain meds and my severe reactions I am having from them (intense nausea, horrible headaches, dizziness, an inability to sit up without feeling as though I am going to fall over, heaviness in my head, fullness in my ears, profuse itchiness throughout my whole body that not even four Benadryl can take away, etc.), I opt to struggle through the pain.

My body is weak from lack of nutrition. I struggle to swallow a few bites of food. Soon, my abdomen feels as though it has swollen to the size of Texas. I look at my tummy. I am surprised how little it is actually distended. I go back to bed and return the heating pad back to my pancreas.

I look at the calendar. I have to wait three more weeks until I can get a consult with a surgeon to get a feeding tube. Then I wonder how long after that appointment will I have to wait to get the procedure done. I have had a feeding tube before. The pain from the procedure is brutal. But maybe this time, it won’t be so bad, or maybe it will help take my mind off my constant pancreas pain. Until then, it will be a long night trying to get rid of the pain and lull myself to sleep.