Trust in the midst of a nightmare

As I lie in my bed shaking in pain, I wonder how long these symptoms will last. I have taken strong pain medication. The pain only grows worse. I take anti-nausea medicine. I now have severe pancreas and abdominal pain. My chest is exploding in pain. It feels as though my chest is being squeezed and crushed. The pain radiates to my left shoulder, jaw, neck, left arm and left hand. It feels as though I have a knife in my back and someone is pulling the knife down my spinal cord. My head aches and spins any time I lift my head off the pillow. I try desperately to get comfortable, but every time I move, my heart races and makes the chest pain so much worse.

I am absolutely exhausted. After going to a cardiology appointment in which the doctor told me I am young, and young people do not have heart problems, I go home only to become extremely dizzy while trying to bring my ventilator equipment into the house from the car. Pain explodes in my chest. My heart races out of control. I cannot get a breath in. I collapse into a heap on the floor, shaking, screaming, gasping for air.

After fighting through the intense symptoms for two hours, my mom calls the ambulance. I am taken to the local hospital. The doctor never enters my room. No one listens to my heart and lungs. A chest x-ray is taken. I am told I do not have pneumonia. A rapid troponin test is done. I am told I am not having a heart attack. I am released home, despite having a fast resting heart rate, high blood pressure and gasping for breath. When I exit the hospital gurney, I collapse to the floor. I need several nurses to lift me into a wheelchair. I am shaking uncontrollably in pain. The nurses tell the doctor I am in a bad state. The doctor snaps back as he is quickly passing the collection of nurses in the hallway (this is the first time I actually see the doctor) I am to go home. My tests were fine. I was not having a heart attack. I only am having chest wall pain.

I am slumped over in the wheelchair. Nurses lift me into my parents' car. I am shaking. I am gasping for air. I think my chest is going to be crushed from the vice which seems to be squeezing my heart with every heart beat. I cannot sit up. I lie across the backseat. My parents get out of the car and demand I need medical attention. I am in worse shape than when I came to the hospital. A physician comes outside to speak with my parents. His countenance radiates arrogance. He yells at my parents that I only have chest wall pain. I am not having a heart attack. That is the only thing they are worried about. He tells my parents he read my medical chart and did not need anything else to make a diagnosis. My parents are furious. But they cannot make any headway with the pompous physician. My parents leave and take me home.

Upon arriving home, I am too weak to move. My father helps me into my wheelchair. He pushes me to my room. I do not have the strength to transfer into my bed. Instead, I fall forward on to my hands and knees to the floor, where I collapse on to my stomach. I lie there in severe pain, too tired, too sick to move. My mom collects some pillows and gives them to me. I lie all night on the floor.

Sleep is fleeting. The constant chest pain keeps me awake. My head throbs. My heart races any time I move. I eventually drift in and out of a restless night of sleep.

When the morning rays of the sun enter my room, I open my iPad and turn on a teaching from one of my favorite preachers. As I much as I want to drop off into deep despair and yell at God for making me go through such a terrible ordeal, the preacher's words float through the air: "Remember in whatever situation you face, do not let your emotions get in the way. Honor God in everything. Do not speak evil of others even if it is true. Do not allow your emotions to steal your joy. God is still on the throne. God is still in control. Honor Him in all that you say and do. Be patient. Blessings only come through obedience."

Instantly the tears which were fighting all night to come down my cheeks are dried up. The battle which was about to happen between me and God disappears. Calm and peace fill my soul as I remember whatever God wants for me, He will make happen. I need to just be obedient. If I am to get medical treatment elsewhere, He will make it happen. Trust is the hardest thing to have, but by it our faith is tested.

"Trust in the LORD with all you heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)