Part Three: To go or to stay? What does the thermometer say?

When we arrived at the hotel, I am grateful to be away from the medical center. I eat a few bits of food, but I am very nauseous. My mom leaves to get supper and have her computer fixed. I collapse on the couch and prop my legs up on the wall. Oh how glorious it is to have the blood, which has pooled in my legs from sitting up for many hours, now return back to the rest of my body.

As I lie there, I ponder the doctor's appointment. My heart is broken. I feel so defeated. I am sick...so sick. But my physician said I was fine. Moreover, she said this would be a normal state for me as long as I have pseudomonas. I want to burst forth into sobs, but I am too tired to cry. I tell myself I will not go to the emergency department (ED). Furthermore, I will not stay to attend my infectious disease doctor’s appointment in two days. No, I will just sleep through the night and go home in the morning. There is no use seeking further medical treatment. My pulmonologist made it clear I was not sick.

I try to read the Bible to push away the thoughts raging in my head, but I cannot concentrate. My head throbs in pain. My neck is sore. I feel disoriented. I close my eyes, but sleep never comes. I feel as though my fever has broke. I have shed my winter parka and am now only wearing a fleece jacket. I tell myself I must be feeling better.

Around 7 p.m. I get up. I tell myself if I have a temperature of less than 101 degrees, I will not go to the ED. The thermometer beeps. It reads 101 degrees. I silently moan. “Oh, this is not good. I still have a fever. I need to seek medical treatment.” I decide I am too sick to not do anything. I resolve to go to the ED. I lie back down on the couch.

Fifteen minutes later, my mom calls. She informs me she is on her way back to the hotel. I know I should gather some items together for my trip to the ED, but I am too tired and too defeated to move. A short time later, my mom arrives back at the hotel. I reluctantly get up and start the process of packing for the ED and probable stay at the hospital. My mom and I drive to the ED. She wheels me to the check-in desk and leaves. All too soon, it is time to face the medical world. After five glorious months away from the hospital, it is now time to re-enter a place of sleep deprivation and constant vigilance.


(For the link to Part Four, click here)