Shop. Wait. BUY!!!

As the days roll by and Black Friday and Cyber Monday near, I always have a little bit of a panic attack. I know the websites I use to buy my vitamins, minerals and supplements from have some of their biggest sales this time of year. I have to carefully take inventory of my medicines and calculate how much I will need to get me through the next 6-12 months. (I used to always buy enough for the next year to come; however, I found this to be too financially draining. Moreover, there are always other holidays in which the websites often offer deep discounts.)

I reluctantly begin my shopping on Wednesday evening. GNC has a HUGE sale which includes free shipping on any order. From previous orders during the last year, I have banked a significant amount of rewards points. I only need to purchase a few dollars worth of drugs to earn enough reward points to allow me to take $5 off my next order. I order two items and hope the reward points are added to my account before the sale ends on Cyber Monday.

There are not too many other sales for the rest of the week. The bulk of the sales begin on Cyber Monday.

I spend many hours on Monday trying to figure out which website will offer the best price for the items I need. Every website has different prices for my supplements and also offer different discounts. Some offer 10% off while others might offer 12% off. I grow very tired and very confused price comparing all my various items. I finally decide to login to one company's website and start filling my cart with the items which have the best price for that website. At the end of the day, I only buy $33 worth of things from two websites. I am very fatigued and am scared if I attempt to buy anything else, I will make mistakes when ordering. I decide to let the sales go.

I check my GNC account. My order has been uploaded to my account. However, the reward points have not been updated. I am very sad. The website never has free shipping on any size order. If I want to use the $5 reward in the future, I will have to buy $49 worth of goods to receive free shipping. I can use the coupon at any GNC store. Unfortunately, the nearest store is about 45 minutes away and has a very limited stock of supplements. I rarely find what I need in the store. I sorrowfully logout of the website and know my $5 reward will expire before I will probably have a chance to use it.

On Tuesday morning, I receive an email from the company in which I loaded up my shopping cart but ended up not buying anything from. I was chosen to receive a VIP exclusive for 22% off my order! I was dumfounded. The day before, the GIANT sale of the year was for 12% off my purchase. Since my items were saved to my account, all I had to do was click the link in the email for the discount to be credited to my total. By waiting a day, I saved an extra 10%!

Late on Tuesday afternoon, I receive a notice my GNC order has shipped. I also receive a notice the GNC sale has been extended one more day. I login to my GNC account, and my reward points have been updated! I have a $5 credit on my account. I quickly make a purchase. With all my discounts, I pay $1.98 for $10 worth of supplements and also receive free shipping! As I finalize my purchase, I am singing praises to God and thanking Him for this incredible blessing.

On Wednesday morning, I receive a valued customer email from another supplement company. Their "Sale of the Year" on Cyber Monday was 25% off site wide. But since I am a highly valued customer (and may I add I did not buy anything from them on Cyber Monday), I now was receiving an invitation for 33% off my next purchase! I gleefully spend some time surfing their site and make a sizable investment in the company.

Well, that is my Cyber "Monday" shopping experience. As each discount came into my life, I could not help but send up praises to God. My health has been greatly challenging me, and it seems God keeps putting roadblocks in front of me to prevent me from receiving medical treatment. But with each incredible discount, it felt as though God was saying, "I know your troubles. Here is a gift from Me to you. Enjoy the savings. I know you have been very stressed about your health. I know you have been trying to find ways to save money to have enough to buy your supplements and give to your church and other charities. With the discounts I gave you, you now have money leftover. I hope you use the extra cash to glorify Me."

Obedient unto death?

Tears steam down my face. I am tired; I am exhausted; I am out of energy to fight my respiratory infection. I travel to my doctor’s appointment hoping, praying for relief. I am given one treatment option, Cipro, a highly toxic drug which damages and destroys mitochondria. I protest. I cannot take the drug. I have had awful side effects from this class of drug in the past.

My pleas are ignore. I am told this is my only treatment option. My peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC) is removed. I am now cutoff from receiving any intravenous mediation.

I go home and ponder taking this highly poisonous drug. But how can I knowingly take a drug which will worsen my mitochondrial disease? How can I take a drug which causes suicidal thoughts? I want to be obedient. But is this what it means to be obedient unto death?

I pray and pray to God, “Oh, what should I do? Please help me. Please guide me.”

God places a memory into my mind. A doctor is yelling at me for receiving intravenous immunoglobulin (IVIG). “You should have known better. You should have known the side effects to IVIG. You should have known this would have made you extremely sick. You should have known this treatment is contraindicated...” And the doctor’s words continue as she proceeds to chasten me for making a poor decision to get IVIG.

As this incident floats through my mind, I cannot think this is God’s answer. I know Cipro is contraindicated for Mito. I know Cipro will make me extremely sick. Can I also imply from this memory that Cipro will also cause additional long-lasting complications?

I again inform the doctor through various forms of communication that I cannot take Cipro. I am advised there are two other drugs available which can treat my infection; however, they are only available intravenously. The doctor says no to the treatments and no to me having another PICC line inserted.

I am trying to remain strong, but I am so weak. I am trying to remain optimistic, but tremendous sorrow overwhelms my heart. I want to be free from this infection. I am trying to cling close to God and know that He has all this in control...but I cannot stop the tears flowing down my cheeks. “Heal me, O LORD, and I shall be healed. Save me and I shall be saved. For You are my praise” (Jeremiah 17:14).

Give thanks with a grateful heart

As we celebrate this great time of great feasting, family and being together, I cannot help but be overwhelmed with thankfulness. There are so many things in my life in which I owe a tremendous amount of gratitude.

First up is God. He is my rock and my stronghold. I cry to Him day and night. He always hears me and tolerates my long lamentations. Despite everything, He stretches out His hand and wipes away my tears. He richly showers me with abundant blessings. I am so thankful and grateful for our relationship.

Second is my mom. She drives me endlessly to all my appointments. She loves me to the moon and back. She is always by my side, fighting to get me the best possible medical care. She likes to surprise me with my favorite foods. She truly is a blessing from God.

Third is my ventilator. As much as I loathe this bulky machine with all its tubing and cords, I am indebted to it for keeping me alive. I often think what my life would have been like if no one had ever created a ventilator. I know I would have gone to heaven a long time ago. I often find myself praising God for having me live at this time in history. With all the technological advancements in the medical field, I am grateful to be the recipient of many scientists’ hard work.

Fourth is my church family. Every week I look forward to seeing the same familiar faces at church. Just seeing my friend Tom opening the front doors to the church brings a smile to my face. When I enter church and see and hear the assistant pastor lead the congregation in song, my heart rejoices in worship. When my pastor preaches his sermon, my soul contemplates the important message God wants me to hear. And the list of people I love to see every week could go in and on. It is such a blessing to be part of such a loving family.

Happy Thanksgiving! May this day and this year be filled with many blessings.

All things in perspective

Fatigue and exhaustion overwhelm my senses. I want to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out. Why must I continue to be so sick? Why is it so hard to get antibiotics for an infection? My body is so low on energy. Day after day, I struggle with difficulty breathing, coughing, headaches, aching joints, etc.

When I think I cannot take it any more, I login to Facebook. I scroll through posts and then remember to check for an update on a little 2.5 month old baby, who was born with a congenital diaphragmic hernia. He has had complication after complication...and yet God has performed miracle after miracle for this baby and his family. I look for an update. My heart breaks.

The little boy was supposed to have a simple surgery in which a feeding tube was to be inserted into his intestines. Instead, there were major complications. There was massive bleeding. The child had to endure several more surgeries including having his spleen removed. Praise be to God, he pulled through it all.

As I am reading this little boy’s update, I suddenly realize what a child I have been. Although I feel miserable and very tired, I am not clinging to life. I am not in the intensive care unit and do not have a zillion machines hooked up to me monitoring every move I make.

I suddenly am overcome with gratitude. Instantly I start praying for this infant and showering God with abundant thanksgivings for my own health. Oh how easy it is to allow this life to lead one into great anguish and sorrow. But what a joy it is when God opens one’s eyes to see all His mercies and loving kindnesses.

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits, who forgives all your iniquities, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from destruction, who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies” (Psalm 103:1-4).

Homebound

For the last two years, fatigue, respiratory issues and other medical conditions have kept me at home and in bed. I rarely leave the house except to go to medical appointments, the emergency department or religious services. I have always thought of my situation as self imposed prison. I could leave the house if I wanted to; however, by the time I gather up all my respiratory equipment and load myself into the car, I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. The last thing I want to do is to have to endure the motion of riding in a car. I have decided it is best to remain at home and stay in bed most of the day.

With all this being said, I never thought of myself as “homebound”. I always thought of myself as just being inconvenienced with having severe fatigue and other medical conditions which impede my ability to freely travel. However, a recent visit from a home health nurse changed all this.

When my nurse arrives to begin services, she asks me a series of questions. “Do you use an assistive device to leave the house? Do you have fatigue which prevents you from leaving the house? Do you have pain in one or more joints? Have you fallen in the last year?” To all these questions, I am able to answer “yes”. I use a wheelchair, I am always tired and rarely stray far from my bed, I have pain in many of my joints and recently I have fallen three times. The nurse tells me, “Great. You qualify through your insurance for home health care. You have to be able to answer “yes” to just one of the questions to be considered homebound. You can only receive my services if you are considered homebound.”

I sit a bit stunned at the nurse’s words. “Am I really homebound? Do I really have an inability to leave my residence?” As I think about my life, I realize, yes, I am homebound. If the nurse was not here administering services to me, I would not venture out of my home every week to receive her services. As it was prior to this nurse coming to my home, I did not get the dressing for my PICC line changed every week. I would wait until I was hospitalized and then would ask the nursing staff to change the dressing. I was putting myself at great risk for infection; however, I did not have the energy to leave my house for this task.

So, perhaps I am homebound. What a bummer to have this title, but I am grateful if it means I qualify for home health services. Sometimes you just have to endure having another label added to your chart and ignore its common every day meaning. I choose instead to believe the definition of my label “homebound” means I trust in Jesus as my Lord and Savior, and one day I shall leave this world and go to my true Home...oh what a glorious day that will be!

Mission field warning

Many years ago, I attended a beautiful church. It had huge stain glass windows and a massive organ which took up most of the back of the church. Upon exiting the parking lot, there was a large, prominent sign which read, “Warning: You are now entering the mission field.”

The words on the sign struck a deep cord within me. I though, “What a great reminder as we leave church that we should continue to be upright Christians, following in Jesus’ footsteps, even after leaving a house of worship.”

As I pondered the words on this sign for the next week, I discovered the sign was all wrong. No, there are unbelievers in the church. We need not only be Christians in the world, but we need to be believers at church. I then decided to move this sign to the entrance of my home. I needed to be on the mission field any time I left my house.

As the weeks rolled by, I realized my sign was all wrong. There were friends, family and health care workers who entered my home. I needed to show them what it was like to be a Christian. I needed to be always on guard to share the message of Jesus’ salvation. I then moved the sign to the door of my room. Yes, any time I left the confines of my room, I needed to be actively on the mission field.

Again, a few weeks passed and I understood that the message on the mission field sign was all wrong. Although I may never leave my room, there were always opportunities via phone calls, emails and Facebook to be on the mission field. I then changed the message on my mission field sign to read: “Warning, you are ALWAYS on the mission field!”

Although I no longer attend this pretty house of worship, I keep the mission field message alive and well in my heart. No matter where I am, I know I am on the mission field, and God can use me wherever I am to spread His word to the world.

To the Olson Family—Peace and comfort

Oh now my heart breaks as I learn about the passing of a very dear woman, Mrs. Olson. She was a woman of strength, a mother of five precious children, a wife to a very dear man and a woman of faith to the very end. Her long battle with beast cancer was one not plagued with grief but with endurance, glory and determination. Mrs. Olson was a beacon of light to those around her. No matter how hard her body was suffering the ill effects of a devastating disease, she continued on with comforting words and with the Lord Jesus in her heart.

As I reflect back on Mrs. Olson’s life, Proverbs 31 comes to mind. Eschet chayil is the Hebrew title for Proverbs 31 verses 10-31. Eschet chayil translates into English as a woman of valor, warfare and victory. She is a warrior. In the eastern culture, to be a moral woman was to be expected. However, to be a warrior was a choice. This seems so fitting for Mrs. Olson. She was a woman of great morals, but even more, she was a victorious soldier, fighting to the very end to be the best mother, daughter, wife and friend. She glorified the LORD in all that she did.

Although my heart weeps, my soul rejoices. I know Mrs. Olson is out of pain and is now Home in the loving arms of her Lord and Savior. May peace and comfort encompass her family and friends. The loss left by Mrs. Olson is enormous but her legacy remains forever in the hearts and minds of all those who knew her and loved her.

May the grace and peace of our Lord and Savior surround us and carry us through this difficult time. Amen.

“Strength and honor are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness. She looks well to the ways of her household, and eats not the bread of idleness. Her children rise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her. Many daughters have done virtuously, but you have excellest them all. Favor is deceitful, and beauty is vain; but a woman that fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” (Proverbs 31:25-30)

When God says no

It is 6 a.m. I force myself to roll out of bed and finish packing. This afternoon, I have an appointment to see my pulmonologist at the medical facility 400 miles away from my house. I need to quickly throw a few last minute items into my suitcase and then load up the car. As I meander my way to my closet, I take off my pajamas and slip into comfortable travel clothes. As I am about to put my pajamas back on my shelf, I ask God, “Will I be hospitalized today?” (I have been very sick, and despite receiving IV antibiotics through my peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC) line for many weeks, I am still very ill. I am convinced my pulmonologist will admit me to the hospital during today’s appointment. I find no need to take along pajamas since I will be going to the hospital.) Although I am determined I am going to be admitted to the hospital, God gives me a very firm, stern reply. “NO!”

I stop in my tracks. “What!? What do you mean ‘No’? I am sure my pulmonologist will take one look at me and send me straight to the hospital.” Again, the word, “no” echoes in my head. Although no words are said, I am given an impression that I will be sleeping overnight at the hotel. I will need to take my pajamas if I want something to sleep in besides my street clothes. I decide this is God’s will. I place the pajamas into my suitcase. I then pick up my belongings and start packing the car.

Many hours later, my mom and I arrive at my appointment. As always, I am grateful we are able to make it to my appointment on time; I am grateful the car did not break down or have a flat tire; I am grateful we did not have an accident. Very soon, I am called back to the examination room. First up is the pulmonology fellow.

The fellow seems very concerned about my coughing fits and shortness of breath. The look on his face seems to say, “I am sending you straight to the emergency department! You need immediate medical treatment!” The fellow leaves my room and waits for his attending (my doctor) to finish up with another patient. When my doctor enters the hallway, the fellow gives his report. Shortly thereafter, the pulmonology fellow and my doctor enter my room.

My doctor seems rather unconcerned about my current state of health. She goes on and on about how it is going to take many weeks for my infection to clear. I need to be patient. (I can immediately tell she is not going to admit me to the hospital.) My mom is quite upset. She is tired of having me sick and constantly struggling to get through each day. She wants me healed. She wants me healed now! The passion which burns in my mom overwhelms me with love. I can see tears welling up in my mom’s eyes. My pulmonologist insists I just need more time on the antibiotics. If I do not improve in a week, I should then perhaps be hospitalized. My mom fights the pulmonologist. My mom turns and looks at me. I sit patiently, not saying anything. I gaze into my mom’s face and try to convey to her that this is not God’s will. I am not to be hospitalized today. She should stop arguing with the doctor. She should just give up and let God leads us. We should not struggle against God. My mom, seeing that I am not saying anything, decides to stop battling the physician. She allows the doctor to send me home despite being quite ill.

After the appointment, my mom inquires why I did not oppose my physician. Why did I not say anything? I reply, “When I was talking to God this morning, He made it abundantly clear I was not going to be hospitalized today. I needed to take along my pajamas because I was going to be spending the night at the hotel. Being hospitalized today was not God’s will. I was not going to oppose God and force His hand.” In amazement, my mom responds, “What!? You were talking to God!?” In a shocked voice, I reply, “Yes!” and I think, “Don’t you talk to Him?” I realize my mom does not often communicate with God. I, however, speak to Him all the time. I always ask for His guidance and protection. I am constantly trying to discern His will and act accordingly. And I am grateful for my relationship with Him. As hard as it was to allow my doctor to send me home without further medical intervention, I knew if I tried to force my physician to admit me to the hospital, a bad outcome would occur. It was best to just allow God to direct my path...even if that meant I was going home to continue suffering with a raging infection in my lungs.