Part One: Waiting for the sun to rise

It is 11 p.m. I lie down to sleep. I am exhausted. I just spent three days and two sleepless nights in the hospital. I yearn to fall into a heavy sleep and not wake up until the sun has circled the earth back to the western horizon. I lie down. I am cold, so cold. My body is shaking. I try to curl up beneath my blanket, but I cannot get warm. I remember in the hallway closet I have a thick down-filled winter parka. I sluggishly make my way to the hallway closet. I feel so sick. I snatch up the bulky jacket and grab a wool winter cap. I place the hat on my head and zip up the coat. I return to my bed, but I cannot get warm. Very soon, I notice my body is frightfully hot, but I am shaking from being ice cold. I am shaking so violently; my chest explodes with pain.

I try to sleep, but how can one sleep when shaking uncontrollably? As time passes, I become more and more ill. I have excruciating abdominal pain. I am very nauseas and think I might throw up. I am too weak to move. My body writhes in pain. Every joint and muscle aches. My head screams in agony, and pain shoots down my neck. Confusion is starting to overwhelm me. I think to myself, “I have not been this sick since the time I developed sepsis. I wonder if the pseudomonas infection brewing in my lungs has decided to invade my blood. I really hope this is all being caused by pseudomonas. I really hope I did not acquire another bug during my recent hospitalization.”

I fight through the night. High fever and shaking chills prevent me from sleeping. I begin to wonder if my symptoms will ever subside. I begin thinking I perhaps should seek medical attention in the morning. I begin pondering if I should contact my pulmonologist. I start drafting an email in my head. Around 4:30 a.m., my fever drops enough to allow me to move. I start writing an email to my physician on my iPad. I decide not to send the email. I think, “What if I start feeling better? I don’t want to bother a medical professional if I don’t have to.” I decided to wait until 6 a.m. “Yes, if at 6 a.m. I am still not feeling well, I will send my doctor the email.” I wait and wait. At 6 a.m., I am still very ill. I reluctantly hit the send button on the email. I feel like such a fool for contacting my doctor, but I know she can help guide my medical case. And now that I have hit the “send” button, I am forcing myself to seek medical attention as I told my doctor I would be coming to her medical facility as soon as my parents wake up.

I look desperately to the eastern sky. “Oh sun, where are you? Please rise soon. God, please wake my parents up. I am so sick. I need to get to the emergency department, the emergency department which is 400 miles away. Please give me the strength to make the trip. Please hurry up the morning. I cannot wait. I am so sick. Please, Lord, rise up the sun soon.”


(Link to Part Two click here)