Pretending to be well

As I sit in Sunday school, I try desperately to pay attention. I try desperately to focus. The early hour of the morning is causing my body to protest--my heart races, my breathing is ragged, my eyelids droop, my whole body wants to shake uncontrollably from fatigue. As each symptom slams into my consciousness, I use every ounce of energy to suppress these symptoms. The thoughts, "Put on a smiling face, keep your eyes open, pretend to follow what is being said in class..." stream through my head.

As fatigue and lack of energy threaten to overtake me, a dear member in my Sunday school class tells me, "You must be on the road to recovery. You look great today." I smile and breathe a sigh of relief. "It's working. No one seems to notice how exhausted I am today. Praise be to God. I am able to once again hide my poor health to those around me."

This is one example of how I live my life anytime I leave my house. No matter how sick I am, I always try to feign wellness. I try never to let my symptoms show; I try always to be upbeat and cheerful. Some days, as much as I would like to whine and complain about how miserable I feel, I know no one likes to hang around someone who is chronically ill. Since I cannot change my health, the one thing I can change is the way I present myself to the world. "Hold your head up, smile and pretend to be well. The world is watching, and the world does not understand what it is like to be constantly battling so many symptoms. Keep going forward; keep fighting. It is almost time to go home. It is almost time to go to bed. It is almost time to stop pretending."