When you can't breathe...running out of options.

When I got my intestinal feeding tube removed in 2013, I happily quipped that I was through with invasive medicine. No more tubes, lines, machines, or IV poles for me. I was going to live my life without any supportive devices. When my breathing was becoming extremely labored this fall, I was presented with the option of a non-invasive ventilator. "Ok," I thought, "This is non-invasive. It is a mask with a hose connected to a machine, but I can disconnect from the machine and am just like I was before using the machine. I did not have to go through an invasive procedure to get any tubes or lines put in me. The machine is just an assistive device like using a wheelchair." Through much heart ache, I accepted the new machine as part of my daily life.

Today, I went to the pulmonologist. He bluntly told me, my non-invasive ventilator is not working for me. He is going to switch to a different type of machine, and follow up. He is not convinced the new machine is going to be able to support my breathing needs. He told me if the new machine does not work, I am going to need a tracheostomy and invasive ventilation.

So here I am, struggling to breathe and hoping the new non-invasive ventilator (which will be delivered sometime this week) is going to solve my breathing problems. It is a bit surreal looking at my medical records and seeing in the diagnosis section respiratory failure with hypercapnia written on my chart. Respiratory failure...when did that happen? I do not want a tube in my throat; I do not want to be dependent upon a machine to live. But are there any other options?

Throughout the last few years, I made a promise to God that I would continue to serve Him through my illness while there was any breath left in me. Rather ironic how my promise is being put to the test. May the Lord lead my decision. "Be worried for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all, understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)