You are a disgrace to your family, you drunkard!

Many years ago, my niece and nephew were slated to be baptized. I was so excited to be able to witness this ceremony. I was in my early years of having Postural Othrostatic Tachycardia Syndrome, a condition which causes my heart rate to race upon standing. When my heart races extremely fast, I must lie down immediately or risk passing out. I was also very young and tried to hide my condition.

When the church service started, the congregation stood to sing a song. Not wanting to endure the looks and stares of those around me if I remained seated, I stood and tried to sing. Unfortunately, what I failed to know was standing caused my heart rate to race to 140 beats per minute. When I attempted to sing, my heart rate raced to 160 beats per minute. Immediately, I felt very unwell. I needed to lie flat as soon as possible, or I was going to pass out. I rushed out of the sanctuary and found an inviting section of floor next to a wall. With as much muscle control as I could find, I collapsed in a heap to the ground. Immediately some church greeters rushed over to me. Thankfully, my dad had followed me out of the sanctuary. He was able to convince the folks I did not need an ambulance and that I just needed to lie flat. The commotion in the lobby drew the attention of the priest.

Seeing me lying on the ground (and surmising I was not going to be going back into the sanctuary for the rest of the service), the priest decided to give me a sermon in the lobby. "You are a disgrace to your family, you drunkard! You could not stay home for one Saturday night, but had to go out partying. And now, you come to church drunk! You have no reverence for God or church!" The priest continued on for a couple minutes, with his words searing my soul. When my body is recovering from a tachycardia episode, I lose the ability to speak or move. I could only lie motionless on the floor, unable to correct the priest's erroneous accusations.

This week, as my friends and I were talking about 1 Samuel chapter 1, we came to a passage where the high priest named Eli assumes that Hannah came to worship drunk. With much grace, Hannah corrects the priest; yet she gives the priest the utmost reverence in her response. "As she continued praying before the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. Hannah was praying silently; only her lips moved, but her voice was not heard; therefore Eli thought she was drunk. So Eli said to her, 'How long will you make a drunken spectacle of yourself? Put away your wine.' But Hannah answered, 'No, my lord. I am a woman deeply troubled; I have drunk neither wine nor strong drink, but I have been pouring out my soul before the LORD'" (1 Samuel 1:12-15).

After discussing this passage, suddenly my own experience with a priest calling me a drunkard came to mind. After all these years of having this painful memory burden my soul, the LORD showed me in His word that mistakenly being called a drunkard by a priest has been happening for thousands of years. I need to follow Hannah's example of "pouring out my soul before the LORD". Since reflecting on this passage of scripture, I know God saw how hard I tried to attend that church service so many years ago, and He knows I was not drunk. A sense of comfort and peace has filled my soul. "For those who desire life and desire to see good days, let them keep their tongues from evil and their lips from speaking deceit; let them turn away from evil and do good; let them seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and His ears are open to their prayer'" (James 3:10-12).

Praying for Laura and Family

On Sunday, I had the pleasure of sitting next to my friend Laura and her husband. As with many of the ladies in my Sunday school class, I often know the wife intimately, but their husbands I rarely see or speak with. Such is the case with Laura and her husband, Jerry. So, I was overjoyed on Sunday to be near Laura's husband. How wonderful it is to meet Laura's "other half". However, one thought that kept running through my mind was how frail Jerry looked. He seemed weak and tired. I pushed the thought aside and enjoyed being in Jerry's presence.

On my way home from church, I was overwhelmed with grief. I kept thinking over and over again about folks at church and possibly not seeing them again. As hard as I tried, tears kept streaming done my cheeks. My heart was in such a state of sorrow.

This morning, I have learned that Jerry passed away last night. As much as my heart is sad with this loss, I am so grateful to have had the pleasure of sitting next to Jerry at service on Sunday. I am rejoicing to know he has gone Home to be with his Lord and Savior. I am also overwhelmed that God put in my heart on Sunday to mourn and pray for all those who would pass away this coming year who attend my church. May my prayers continually come before the Lord in this time of great need. May Laura and her family find peace and comfort in this time of sorrow. "Our soul waits for the LORD: He is our help and our shield. For our heart shall rejoice in Him, because we have trusted in His holy name. Let Your lovingkindness, O LORD, be upon us, according as we hope in You" (Psalm 33:20-22).

My New Machine

It has been a long road trying to get this new breathing machine, but alas, it is here! I feel as though I have waited a lifetime to see a pulmonologist (who was able to discern my old machine was not providing enough ventilation support) and climbed far too many mountains in pursuit of getting this new ventilator. After the chaos of last week (doctor's appointment, running in circles trying to get lab work done, endless calls to my doctor's office and ending up in the emergency department), I wanted to just give up! My full face mask for the ventilator was causing my gums to develop painful bloody sores. Moreover, I could not sleep because I kept waking up when I stopped breathing at night. When I was completely run down and out of energy, my ventilator was finally delivered!

This new ventilator has so many features on it! It automatically adjusts the pressure I need to guarantee my lungs receive the necessary volume for a proper breath. It has a heater which warms up the air before it is blasted into my face. There is a nice LCD interface which displays my respiration rate, the pressure used, the volume of air being deliver to my lungs, etc. The unit has a battery which means I can now leave my bed while still being hooked up to the ventilator!!! With the new ventilator, I also got a new mask, one which does not rest on my gums and cause painful sores to develop. I also got new tubing, which is much thicker and more durable than my old tubing. The new machine with the new mask and new tubing is much, MUCH quieter than the old system.

Also, this machine automatically delivers a blast of high pressure air, forcing air into my lungs, if my body fails to take a breathe on its own. This is truly amazing!!! When I drift off to sleep, my body becomes very tired and forgets to breathe. With my old unit, I only was given a blast of high pressure air when the machine detected I was taking a breath in. If my body did not take a breath, no high pressure blast was given. This caused me to wake up constantly because I was not breathing during sleep. I would also wake up exhausted and with bad headaches from lack of oxygen. The new machine forces me to breathe when my body forgets to breathe.

Praying this machine continues to provide my necessary breath support and will allow me to not have to get a tracheotomy and have invasive ventilation. "You were tired out by the length of your road, yet you did not say, 'It is hopeless.' You found renewed strength, therefore you did not faint" (Isaiah 57:10).

When you can't breathe...running out of options.

When I got my intestinal feeding tube removed in 2013, I happily quipped that I was through with invasive medicine. No more tubes, lines, machines, or IV poles for me. I was going to live my life without any supportive devices. When my breathing was becoming extremely labored this fall, I was presented with the option of a non-invasive ventilator. "Ok," I thought, "This is non-invasive. It is a mask with a hose connected to a machine, but I can disconnect from the machine and am just like I was before using the machine. I did not have to go through an invasive procedure to get any tubes or lines put in me. The machine is just an assistive device like using a wheelchair." Through much heart ache, I accepted the new machine as part of my daily life.

Today, I went to the pulmonologist. He bluntly told me, my non-invasive ventilator is not working for me. He is going to switch to a different type of machine, and follow up. He is not convinced the new machine is going to be able to support my breathing needs. He told me if the new machine does not work, I am going to need a tracheostomy and invasive ventilation.

So here I am, struggling to breathe and hoping the new non-invasive ventilator (which will be delivered sometime this week) is going to solve my breathing problems. It is a bit surreal looking at my medical records and seeing in the diagnosis section respiratory failure with hypercapnia written on my chart. Respiratory failure...when did that happen? I do not want a tube in my throat; I do not want to be dependent upon a machine to live. But are there any other options?

Throughout the last few years, I made a promise to God that I would continue to serve Him through my illness while there was any breath left in me. Rather ironic how my promise is being put to the test. May the Lord lead my decision. "Be worried for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passes all, understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

Rose Marie is here! She has come for me!

Many years ago, I used to work at a senior assisted living facility. There were 14 rooms with about 20 residents. Despite the many years since I have worked there, I cherish the many wonderful memories of the residents and my love for each one of them. One resident, in particular, holds a very special place in my heart.

Jim was an elderly man who lived in room #1. He was quiet and said very little. Although he did not talk much, I greatly enjoyed his company. He was sweet and kind. A few months after I started working at the assisted living facility, Jim was diagnosed with throat cancer. He was in constant pain and soon saying even a few words was nearly impossible as the cancer destroyed his ability to speak.

One night, as I was doing my rounds to administer the night-time medications and check in on the folks before they went to bed, I entered Jim's room. Jim had a medium sized bird cage which housed about six small birds. At this time of night, the birds were usually sound asleep. Tonight, however, they were all awake and making a loud racket. When Jim saw me, he warmly greeted me and had a smile on his face. I was surprised he spoke to me as he had not said a single word in over a week. He told me, pointing toward a photo of an elderly woman hanging on the wall, "Rose Marie is here! She has come for me!" I rejoiced in his bright mood, but I was a bit concerned the cancer/cancer drugs might have made him a bit delusional. It was 9:30 at night. No one but me and the birds were in his room.

As I approached Jim in his room, I felt as though I was entering an incredible energy vortex. It was one of joy, excitement and happiness. Shivers ran up and down my body. The hair on my arms and neck stood up. I was overwhelmed with a sense of reverent awe and felt great power in the room. Although I was standing still, it felt as though the entire world was spinning around Jim and me. I was so excited Jim was talking, I lingered in the room for about a half hour. During the entire time, the birds kept squawking and making loud noises and a powerful presence seemed to be in the room. Jim continued to talk and talk. His face was radiant, and all traces of the months and months of suffering with cancer seemed to have vanished. I longed to stay in his room and enjoy this incredible experience, but I pulled myself away. I needed to complete my rounds and get everything in order for the over-night shift.

The next day, I began work at 11 a.m. The overnight worker informed me Jim had passed away during the night. I was a bit shocked as I had such a wonderful conversation with him the night before. I mentioned to my colleague, Jim had mentioned something about seeing a person named Rose Marie. My colleague exclaimed, "Oh, Rose Marie! That was Jim's wife for the last 40+ years. She passed away about 6 months ago, before you started working here. Before her death, Jim loved to talk and took dear care of his wife. After she passed away, he stopped talking and his health declined quickly."

Upon hearing these remarks, I suddenly knew the full scope of the previous night's experience. Rose Marie had indeed come back! She came back to guide Jim to heaven. I was not alone with Jim in his room. I felt tremendous gratitude to have been able to experience such an incredible event. I weep with joy and anticipation at the thought that one day, I too will be called to heaven. Oh what a joyous day that will be!

"Then Jacob awoke from his sleep and said, 'Surely the Lord is in this place, and I did not know it.' He was afraid and said, 'How awesome is this place! This is none other than the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven.'" (Genesis 28:16-17)