Every day, I try hard to be upbeat and happy, but lately, I am struggling. I desperately want to leave this bed of mine to explore the world just beyond my reach. I want to breathe fresh air, feel the wind in my face and be foot-loose and fancy free. But, I am confined to this bed of mine for many hours every day. Oh, I can break away from my bed, but in doing so, I must disconnect from my ventilator. My ventilator is not portable. It needs to operate on a flat surface and has to be plugged into the wall for its power supply. So if I desire to go anywhere, I must do so without my ventilator.
Breathing without my ventilator feels as though I am breathing though a plastic bag--my body strains with effort to gasp for tiny amounts of air. I can fight through the fatigue for a little while, but soon I become very light-headed. Confusion and agitation take hold of my brain. I want to scream that I cannot breathe. Where did all the oxygen go!? Oh, the panic which grips my body! My breathing grows ragged. I start gulping for air. I fight the urge to start sobbing uncontrollably and try my best to hold back the tears welling up in my eyes. All too soon, I must retreat back to my bed and hook back up to my ventilator.
Now, I wish when I hooked back up to my ventilator it would be like a magic switch which tells my body it no longer has to panic. But, it is not. Instead, I must fight through the continued rounds of panic. I must fight the urge to rip off my full face mask because my body is screaming at me that it cannot breathe. "Get this mask off of me! I need to breathe!" But ripping off the mask, which uses high pressure to force air into my lungs and thus makes it easier for my body to breathe, leaves me back in a low pressure environment where breathing is much, much harder. I must ignore the constant screams for help which race through my mind. Fatigue urges me to go to sleep, but my rapid breathing prevents my brain from shutting down. I try to take deeper, longer breaths, but my body overrides my efforts. Over the next two hours, the panic slowly leaves my body. My tunnel vision recedes, the room grows brighter, and the mass chaos in my brain drifts away.
As my brain is able to think again, restlessness and boredom take hold. I am thirsty or hungry or need to go to the bathroom--all tasks which require me to disconnect from my ventilator and start the above process all over again. As I think about everything I must endure once I attempt to breathe on my own, sadness takes hold of my heart. As much as I want to leave my bed, I do not want to have to endure the fight to breathe. This is the challenge I face every day. "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." (Isaiah 43:2)
Friday, January 27, 2017
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
The high cost of generosity
One day, you are talking to a friend, and she shares with you the financial struggles she is facing. She has been cut in hours at work, her glasses broke and her car needs some repairs. Your heart breaks for your friend because you know how she is struggling and can never seem to get ahead. In your generous spirit, you decide to start a crowd-sourcing campaign for her. You go online to set-up the account and let friends and family know about the campaign efforts. To your delight, the campaign raises $1,000 for your friend! Everyone celebrates the selfless generosity of all who contributed. Everything seems great!
About a year later, your friend comes to you sobbing. She received a statement from the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) stating the money raised is considered income, and she owes income tax on the money. Your friend does not have the money to pay for the taxes. Furthermore, the extra $1,000 added to her income now affects other programs which are income-based. Her student loan repayments have increased, and the amount she has to pay for her health insurance has also increased. It seems the $1,000 raised for your friend is now costing your friend nearly the same amount in taxes and other fees.
In your zeal to fight for your friend's rights, you investigate. You read on the crowd-sourcing website that the money raised on the site should be considered a gift because the sum raised is done so via individual gifts given by numerous people...but you should consult your personal tax account for further information on tax laws. Now, you investigate with the IRS. You find there are no clear rules regarding crowd-source fundraising. The money raised should be considered a gift and thus not taxed; however, since the money given to the individual is done so via one company (and the crowd-sourcing company takes a percentage of the funds raised as a fee), the money is now deemed income, and applicable taxes must be paid on the money. To your heart-break, nothing can be done. The taxes must be paid, and the generosity of family and friends is now costing your dear friend precious money she cannot afford to give up.
Now, you ask yourself what can a person do to help a friend in need? The answer is give money directly to your friend. The IRS allows $14,000 a year to be given as gifts between two people tax-free. Additionally, try to give cash. Some state and federal programs require access to the program participant's bank account(s). All money including gifts must be declared and are considered income. The agencies often randomly check participant bank accounts and look for money (in the form of a check) given as a gift. Any money deemed a gift and not declared by the participant is subject to benefit penalties and/or program suspension or termination. Lastly, if the person has bills which need to be paid, offer to pay directly to the company. There are no benefit penalties or tax laws against paying your neighbor's bills.
Who knew there could be so many negative implications for the generosity of one's heart? To be safe, always ask the person who needs the funds how best you can contribute to their situation. May the gift of generosity be upon you-all. "Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." (2 Corinthians 9:6-9)
About a year later, your friend comes to you sobbing. She received a statement from the Internal Revenue Service (IRS) stating the money raised is considered income, and she owes income tax on the money. Your friend does not have the money to pay for the taxes. Furthermore, the extra $1,000 added to her income now affects other programs which are income-based. Her student loan repayments have increased, and the amount she has to pay for her health insurance has also increased. It seems the $1,000 raised for your friend is now costing your friend nearly the same amount in taxes and other fees.
In your zeal to fight for your friend's rights, you investigate. You read on the crowd-sourcing website that the money raised on the site should be considered a gift because the sum raised is done so via individual gifts given by numerous people...but you should consult your personal tax account for further information on tax laws. Now, you investigate with the IRS. You find there are no clear rules regarding crowd-source fundraising. The money raised should be considered a gift and thus not taxed; however, since the money given to the individual is done so via one company (and the crowd-sourcing company takes a percentage of the funds raised as a fee), the money is now deemed income, and applicable taxes must be paid on the money. To your heart-break, nothing can be done. The taxes must be paid, and the generosity of family and friends is now costing your dear friend precious money she cannot afford to give up.
Now, you ask yourself what can a person do to help a friend in need? The answer is give money directly to your friend. The IRS allows $14,000 a year to be given as gifts between two people tax-free. Additionally, try to give cash. Some state and federal programs require access to the program participant's bank account(s). All money including gifts must be declared and are considered income. The agencies often randomly check participant bank accounts and look for money (in the form of a check) given as a gift. Any money deemed a gift and not declared by the participant is subject to benefit penalties and/or program suspension or termination. Lastly, if the person has bills which need to be paid, offer to pay directly to the company. There are no benefit penalties or tax laws against paying your neighbor's bills.
Who knew there could be so many negative implications for the generosity of one's heart? To be safe, always ask the person who needs the funds how best you can contribute to their situation. May the gift of generosity be upon you-all. "Now this I say, he who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and he who sows bountifully will also reap bountifully. Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed." (2 Corinthians 9:6-9)
Monday, January 23, 2017
60 million lives...
I have been reflecting on many things which have been in the news recently. I am trying not to be discouraged or saddened, but it is hard. This weekend marked the 44th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade court decision which legalized abortions in the USA.
Today, I was reading the first few chapters of Exodus, which discuss the oppression of the Israelites under the king of Egypt. Because God was blessing the Israelites (causing them to grow and prosper), the king commanded the midwives that all Hebrew boys be killed at birth. "But the midwives feared God, and did not do as the king of Egypt had commanded them, but let the boys live. Because the midwives feared God, He gave them families of their own" (Exodus 1:17, 21). These midwives risked their own lives by disobeying the king. They sought to preserve life and were abundantly blessed by God for their faithfulness.
As I have developed a deeper, stronger relationship in Christ, I have realized every pregnancy is a gift from God. "God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). So every human being is a creation from God, and a reflection of God! The destruction of any human creation is the same as destroying God. Children are God's blessings to His people. Yet here we are in the year 2017 claiming children are an inconvenience, unwanted and will spoil a woman's independence. Women have developed the mindset that they are the creator of their own destiny; they have elevated themselves to be their own god. They want the ultimate power to create and destroy life. With these false ideologies, women have been flocking to abortion clinics to exercise their power as god--to eradicate the life growing in their wombs.
Since 1973, almost 60 million children have been killed via surgical abortion (and an unknown number of children have passed away via chemical abortions--using pharmaceuticals and other potent chemicals to cause the newly created life to be destroyed). Sixty million is a big number and is hard to imagine. Sixty million people were killed during World War II, 60 million people is about twice the population of Canada, and 60 million people is about 19% of the current USA population. So, imagine one in about every five people in the USA being killed or about two nations of Canada being killed via abortions. That's A LOT of people!!! I often think about all these children--what precious gifts from God which were never given a chance to become a blessing to the world. As women have made themselves their own gods, they "turn their back on all God's mercies" (Jonah 2:8). What a tremendous tragedy.
"Behold, children are a heritage of the LORD, and the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" (Psalm 127:3-5a).
Today, I was reading the first few chapters of Exodus, which discuss the oppression of the Israelites under the king of Egypt. Because God was blessing the Israelites (causing them to grow and prosper), the king commanded the midwives that all Hebrew boys be killed at birth. "But the midwives feared God, and did not do as the king of Egypt had commanded them, but let the boys live. Because the midwives feared God, He gave them families of their own" (Exodus 1:17, 21). These midwives risked their own lives by disobeying the king. They sought to preserve life and were abundantly blessed by God for their faithfulness.
As I have developed a deeper, stronger relationship in Christ, I have realized every pregnancy is a gift from God. "God created mankind in His own image, in the image of God He created them; male and female He created them" (Genesis 1:27). So every human being is a creation from God, and a reflection of God! The destruction of any human creation is the same as destroying God. Children are God's blessings to His people. Yet here we are in the year 2017 claiming children are an inconvenience, unwanted and will spoil a woman's independence. Women have developed the mindset that they are the creator of their own destiny; they have elevated themselves to be their own god. They want the ultimate power to create and destroy life. With these false ideologies, women have been flocking to abortion clinics to exercise their power as god--to eradicate the life growing in their wombs.
Since 1973, almost 60 million children have been killed via surgical abortion (and an unknown number of children have passed away via chemical abortions--using pharmaceuticals and other potent chemicals to cause the newly created life to be destroyed). Sixty million is a big number and is hard to imagine. Sixty million people were killed during World War II, 60 million people is about twice the population of Canada, and 60 million people is about 19% of the current USA population. So, imagine one in about every five people in the USA being killed or about two nations of Canada being killed via abortions. That's A LOT of people!!! I often think about all these children--what precious gifts from God which were never given a chance to become a blessing to the world. As women have made themselves their own gods, they "turn their back on all God's mercies" (Jonah 2:8). What a tremendous tragedy.
"Behold, children are a heritage of the LORD, and the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them" (Psalm 127:3-5a).
Sunday, January 22, 2017
Sit. Stay. Pray.
One of the hardest things for me to do is to sit still. I am a doer through and through. Before I became severely ill, whenever a situation arose which needed volunteers or a task to be completed, I was always eager to jump up and go to work. I used to have a daily planner which often planned out my day down to the very minute. I would stay up late and wake up early. I was on-the-go, too busy to ever take a break. Even when I went on "vacation", I had a meticulous schedule detailing exactly all the things I wanted to see and do.
Now that my body no longer allows me to participate in most events, I have been forced to find new ways to be involved. When I would hear of things happening, a community service opportunity or a fundraising event, I use to weep because I could not contribute to the event. What use can a person lying in bed be in helping serve food at a soup kitchen? I felt guilty and would often attempt to help at events only to become severely ill and often end up in the emergency department.
Sometime in the last few years, I have solved the problem of what to do. I have started to sit still and pray. I think of everything which is needed to accomplish the task. I mentally "work" my way through each task as if I was there doing it. Are volunteers, good weather, money, baked goods, publicity, etc. needed in order for the event to be successful? I then pray about each thing. After the event, I try to ask people who attended the function how everything went. I then make a list of all the successes, and I send praises up to God for answering so many prayers.
So while my body may physically limit my ability to partake in many activities, it is such a blessing to be able to provide spiritual support. I still often yearn to volunteer at events, but I have discovered my efforts are much better used if I sit still, stay home and pray. "Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!" (1 Samuel 12:16)
Now that my body no longer allows me to participate in most events, I have been forced to find new ways to be involved. When I would hear of things happening, a community service opportunity or a fundraising event, I use to weep because I could not contribute to the event. What use can a person lying in bed be in helping serve food at a soup kitchen? I felt guilty and would often attempt to help at events only to become severely ill and often end up in the emergency department.
Sometime in the last few years, I have solved the problem of what to do. I have started to sit still and pray. I think of everything which is needed to accomplish the task. I mentally "work" my way through each task as if I was there doing it. Are volunteers, good weather, money, baked goods, publicity, etc. needed in order for the event to be successful? I then pray about each thing. After the event, I try to ask people who attended the function how everything went. I then make a list of all the successes, and I send praises up to God for answering so many prayers.
So while my body may physically limit my ability to partake in many activities, it is such a blessing to be able to provide spiritual support. I still often yearn to volunteer at events, but I have discovered my efforts are much better used if I sit still, stay home and pray. "Now then, stand still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes!" (1 Samuel 12:16)
Saturday, January 21, 2017
A Farewell to Mr. Steuerwald
My heart is heavy as I have learned about the passing away of a very dear friend, Mr. Steuerwald. After fighting cancer for many years and now his recent bout with pneumonia, the Lord has called his faithful servant Home. There are so many memories flooding my mind; it is hard to choose just a few things to share about him.
The first thing that comes into my mind is his love for his wife. He was always by her side, helping her, assisting her and comforting her. My heart breaks as I think about the tremendous loss she must be feeling with the passing of the love of her life. Mr. and Mrs. Steuerwald had a love so deep, so pure, it radiated from them. Their relationship was founded on love for each and their love for Jesus. Their love for each was an incredible model for all those around them.
Moreover, at prayer meeting, Mr. Steuerwald always had prayer requests for those around him. He constantly asked for prayers for the people he ministered to in the prison ministry. He also always lifted up prayers for various members of our community and nation. He had an excellent memory and always kept so many people at the forefront of his prayers. If you were sick, he always would pray for you and then follow-up and see how your recovery was going. It was always such a joy and blessing to know that Mr. Steuerwald was praying for you when going through various trials. For me, it gave me a renewed sense of strength and love to know he cared so deeply for so many people. After my mom had her car accident, he never ceased to ask about my mom and her recovery. He expressed how he missed seeing her at church functions. Oh, how I will miss his sincerity and love he had for so many people.
As we say good-bye to such a dear servant of the Lord, it is with great joy that I know he is in heaven with his Savior. We must thank Jesus for sending such an incredible servant into our lives, to show forth His glory and love in the world. Lastly, please pray for Mr. Steuerwald's wife. I cannot imagine the immense sorrow and grief which she must be experiencing. Sending all my love to the family. "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our comfort also abounds by Christ" (2 Corinthians 2:3-5).
The first thing that comes into my mind is his love for his wife. He was always by her side, helping her, assisting her and comforting her. My heart breaks as I think about the tremendous loss she must be feeling with the passing of the love of her life. Mr. and Mrs. Steuerwald had a love so deep, so pure, it radiated from them. Their relationship was founded on love for each and their love for Jesus. Their love for each was an incredible model for all those around them.
Moreover, at prayer meeting, Mr. Steuerwald always had prayer requests for those around him. He constantly asked for prayers for the people he ministered to in the prison ministry. He also always lifted up prayers for various members of our community and nation. He had an excellent memory and always kept so many people at the forefront of his prayers. If you were sick, he always would pray for you and then follow-up and see how your recovery was going. It was always such a joy and blessing to know that Mr. Steuerwald was praying for you when going through various trials. For me, it gave me a renewed sense of strength and love to know he cared so deeply for so many people. After my mom had her car accident, he never ceased to ask about my mom and her recovery. He expressed how he missed seeing her at church functions. Oh, how I will miss his sincerity and love he had for so many people.
As we say good-bye to such a dear servant of the Lord, it is with great joy that I know he is in heaven with his Savior. We must thank Jesus for sending such an incredible servant into our lives, to show forth His glory and love in the world. Lastly, please pray for Mr. Steuerwald's wife. I cannot imagine the immense sorrow and grief which she must be experiencing. Sending all my love to the family. "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God. For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our comfort also abounds by Christ" (2 Corinthians 2:3-5).
Thursday, January 19, 2017
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink its medicine
My mom has been sick for the last couple weeks. She had a urinary tract infection and was given antibiotics. She was starting to feel better, but then the antibiotics ended. About 24 hours after the antibiotics ended, my mom started feeling sick again. She soon developed a high fever. Fearing it was a relapse of the infection, she went to the emergency department. After many tests, everything came back negative.
I posted on Facebook my mom's health status. A dear friend informed me about a highly concentrated form of vitamin c called Lypo-spheric vitamin c. I researched the product and found it indeed delivers a high concentration of vitamin c direct to your cells. Vitamin c is essential in helping your immune system fight off invaders such as viruses, bacteria and fungi. So, immediately I ordered some of this product. The item came yesterday. In order to take this form of vitamin c, you have to put the small amount of vitamin c gel into a small amount of ice cold water. My mom took one dose of the vitamin c last night and was repulsed by the consistency and taste.
Today, I keep asking my mom if she would take some of the vitamin c, but she refuses. It is very frustrating. In my frustration, I decided to take some of the vitamin c myself. The consistency was slimy, and the taste was not Jell-O, but overall, it was not bad. About an hour later, I noticed something remarkable. The intense pain in my back started disappearing. (I have been really run-down and exhausted trying to take of my mom. When my body becomes very fatigued, it starts breaking down muscle (rhabdomyosis). The muscle fibers are filtered out by my kidneys and excreted in my urine. Passing the large muscle fibers through my kidneys causes excruciating back pain.) Now, the back pain is about 75% less than what it was, and I can now lay on my back without having intense pain. I am overjoyed at the benefits I have experienced from this form of vitamin c, and thus I am so bummed my mom will not take anymore of it.
Through this whole process, I think about God and how frustrated we must make Him. He leads us in paths which might not be pleasant and might have a bad taste, but it is for our own good. It is to grow us and to nurture us. How often do we refuse His way and instead opt to continue suffering in our current ways. Thankfully, God has abundant patience and does not give up on us. "The Lord is not slow concerning His promises as some count slowness, but is patient to us, not willing that any should suffer but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).
I posted on Facebook my mom's health status. A dear friend informed me about a highly concentrated form of vitamin c called Lypo-spheric vitamin c. I researched the product and found it indeed delivers a high concentration of vitamin c direct to your cells. Vitamin c is essential in helping your immune system fight off invaders such as viruses, bacteria and fungi. So, immediately I ordered some of this product. The item came yesterday. In order to take this form of vitamin c, you have to put the small amount of vitamin c gel into a small amount of ice cold water. My mom took one dose of the vitamin c last night and was repulsed by the consistency and taste.
Today, I keep asking my mom if she would take some of the vitamin c, but she refuses. It is very frustrating. In my frustration, I decided to take some of the vitamin c myself. The consistency was slimy, and the taste was not Jell-O, but overall, it was not bad. About an hour later, I noticed something remarkable. The intense pain in my back started disappearing. (I have been really run-down and exhausted trying to take of my mom. When my body becomes very fatigued, it starts breaking down muscle (rhabdomyosis). The muscle fibers are filtered out by my kidneys and excreted in my urine. Passing the large muscle fibers through my kidneys causes excruciating back pain.) Now, the back pain is about 75% less than what it was, and I can now lay on my back without having intense pain. I am overjoyed at the benefits I have experienced from this form of vitamin c, and thus I am so bummed my mom will not take anymore of it.
Through this whole process, I think about God and how frustrated we must make Him. He leads us in paths which might not be pleasant and might have a bad taste, but it is for our own good. It is to grow us and to nurture us. How often do we refuse His way and instead opt to continue suffering in our current ways. Thankfully, God has abundant patience and does not give up on us. "The Lord is not slow concerning His promises as some count slowness, but is patient to us, not willing that any should suffer but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).
Sunday, January 15, 2017
Bored with nothing to do, I started a new adventure!
This week I have been trying to stay optimistic. It seems as though my respiratory muscles have weakened, and I am finding it harder and harder to live without being hooked up to my ventilator...and since my ventilator is not portable, I am confined to my bed for most hours of the day. So, I have tried to find things to do with my time, which do not require me to move.
I was watching far too much YouTube, when a thought floated across my mind: learn Hebrew. I have wanted to learn Hebrew for a very long time, but I have always had other things which occupied my attention. So, this week, I started watching YouTube videos on learning the Hebrew alephbet. Surprisingly, it was challenging and yet so much fun! I soon forgot about the mask covering my face forcing air into my lungs and became immersed in another world.
In my efforts to learn the Hebrew letters, I found an amazing Rabbi who discusses the deeper meaning of the Hebrew letters. For example, aleph is the first letter in Hebrew, mem is the middle letter and tav is the last letter. The Rabbi reasoned in order to know truth, one must know the beginning, middle and end of a matter...and that is how "truth" is spelled in Hebrew using the first, middle and last letters of the alephbet (aleph-mem-tav). The Rabbi has a couple hours of in-depth videos discussing how words are written in Hebrew and the meanings behind each letter. It is so fascinating to learn there is so much hidden in the Torah Hebrew that you miss if you read it in another language. For example, in Genesis 1:1, the Hebrew reading is: "In the beginning, God aleph-tav the heavens and the earth". This makes little sense in English until you have the knowledge that the aleph is the first letter and tav is the last letter in Hebrew, and God uses the Hebrew letters (from the aleph to the tav) to create everything in the universe! God uses Hebrew to speak things into creation! "And God said, Let there be light, and there was light" (Genesis 1:3). "And God said, Let there be an expansion in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters" (Genesis 1:6). "And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together...."
It is beyond my comprehension to ponder how God can use words to create and destroy the entire universe. But, now I have a much deeper understanding of the passage in Hebrews 4:12, "For the word of God is alive and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart." For indeed, God's words have the incredible power to do anything He wishes. How will you use the words which proceed out of your mouth this week? What will you create and what will be destroyed?
I was watching far too much YouTube, when a thought floated across my mind: learn Hebrew. I have wanted to learn Hebrew for a very long time, but I have always had other things which occupied my attention. So, this week, I started watching YouTube videos on learning the Hebrew alephbet. Surprisingly, it was challenging and yet so much fun! I soon forgot about the mask covering my face forcing air into my lungs and became immersed in another world.
In my efforts to learn the Hebrew letters, I found an amazing Rabbi who discusses the deeper meaning of the Hebrew letters. For example, aleph is the first letter in Hebrew, mem is the middle letter and tav is the last letter. The Rabbi reasoned in order to know truth, one must know the beginning, middle and end of a matter...and that is how "truth" is spelled in Hebrew using the first, middle and last letters of the alephbet (aleph-mem-tav). The Rabbi has a couple hours of in-depth videos discussing how words are written in Hebrew and the meanings behind each letter. It is so fascinating to learn there is so much hidden in the Torah Hebrew that you miss if you read it in another language. For example, in Genesis 1:1, the Hebrew reading is: "In the beginning, God aleph-tav the heavens and the earth". This makes little sense in English until you have the knowledge that the aleph is the first letter and tav is the last letter in Hebrew, and God uses the Hebrew letters (from the aleph to the tav) to create everything in the universe! God uses Hebrew to speak things into creation! "And God said, Let there be light, and there was light" (Genesis 1:3). "And God said, Let there be an expansion in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters" (Genesis 1:6). "And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together...."
It is beyond my comprehension to ponder how God can use words to create and destroy the entire universe. But, now I have a much deeper understanding of the passage in Hebrews 4:12, "For the word of God is alive and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is able to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart." For indeed, God's words have the incredible power to do anything He wishes. How will you use the words which proceed out of your mouth this week? What will you create and what will be destroyed?
Thursday, January 12, 2017
God had a different plan...
My mom posted on Facebook one of the sweetest messages about me. She reflected on how, when I was little, I was always into mischief, and she had to be one step ahead of me. She kept me as active as possible in dance, baton twirling, gymnastics, swimming, etc. Any activity that was available, my mom put me in it to wear out my endless supply of energy.
Thinking about all the energy I once had makes me terribly sad. I struggle to get through each day. Resting in bed and taking naps occupy most of my day. Now as the disease continues to progress, I rely on a ventilator to get me through each day. As often as I wonder where all my energy went, I am very grateful I had so much of it as a kid. I had grand adventures and was able to see and do so many things. From living abroad in different countries to participating in endless competitions and performances to climbing mountains and flying high in the sky, I live a life of no regrets. I am grateful I was able to do so many things when I was young.
At the end of my mom's message, she says, "God had a different plan." I have thought about this over and over again through the years. I once was very depressed and angry I was not able to do and accomplish all that I had my heart set upon. However, as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus, I have realized His plan is much, MUCH better than anything I could have imagined. Through my health trials, I have met so many people in need of support and love. I have been able to pray and give words of comfort to them. Although I am no longer able to venture much beyond the confines of my house, through the internet I have been able to share my love for Jesus with people from all parts of the world. And thus, God has allowed me to accomplish one of my heart's desires--being an international missionary.
So although I get discouraged about not having an abundance of energy, I am very grateful God is able to use me in my current state of health to share my love for Him with the world...without leaving the comforts of my bed. What an incredible blessing! "Sing unto the LORD, all the earth: show forth from day to day His salvation. Declare His glory among the heathen; His marvelous works among all nations." (1 Chronicles 16:23-24)
Thinking about all the energy I once had makes me terribly sad. I struggle to get through each day. Resting in bed and taking naps occupy most of my day. Now as the disease continues to progress, I rely on a ventilator to get me through each day. As often as I wonder where all my energy went, I am very grateful I had so much of it as a kid. I had grand adventures and was able to see and do so many things. From living abroad in different countries to participating in endless competitions and performances to climbing mountains and flying high in the sky, I live a life of no regrets. I am grateful I was able to do so many things when I was young.
At the end of my mom's message, she says, "God had a different plan." I have thought about this over and over again through the years. I once was very depressed and angry I was not able to do and accomplish all that I had my heart set upon. However, as I have grown in my relationship with Jesus, I have realized His plan is much, MUCH better than anything I could have imagined. Through my health trials, I have met so many people in need of support and love. I have been able to pray and give words of comfort to them. Although I am no longer able to venture much beyond the confines of my house, through the internet I have been able to share my love for Jesus with people from all parts of the world. And thus, God has allowed me to accomplish one of my heart's desires--being an international missionary.
So although I get discouraged about not having an abundance of energy, I am very grateful God is able to use me in my current state of health to share my love for Him with the world...without leaving the comforts of my bed. What an incredible blessing! "Sing unto the LORD, all the earth: show forth from day to day His salvation. Declare His glory among the heathen; His marvelous works among all nations." (1 Chronicles 16:23-24)
Sunday, January 8, 2017
My Pastor has ESP...or maybe it is God's omnipresence
This week, I have felt the need to write about Jonah--it is SO MUCH MORE than a fish story! It is an incredible story about God not allowing people to flee from His presence. When Jonah is called to preach to the city of Nineveh (Israel's number one enemy at the time), Jonah flees in the opposite direction by boarding a ship to Tarshish. God uses a fierce storm to force Jonah to confess to his shipmates his occupation (prophet of God) and to confess his disobedience by not following God's call. Jonah learns his first lesson: You cannot flee from God because God is everywhere.
Today at church, Pastor was talking about God's omnipresence--God's ability to be everywhere. As soon as he mentioned this, I immediately thought about how Jonah is an excellent example of how one man tries to flee God, only to find out there is no place where God is not present. My mind immediately goes to one of my favorite Bible passages, Psalm 139 verses 7-10, which perfectly describe God's omnipresence: "Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall your hand leads me, and Your right hand shall hold me."
As these thoughts are swirling around my head, Pastor recites Psalm 139 verses 7-10. A few minutes later, he recites the following passage, "But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare, and not down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the prescence of the LORD" (Jonah 1:3). At this point, I am trying not to laugh because I am beginning to think my Pastor has ESP. But as I ponder this thought, I realize I am not hearing the message of the sermon: God is omnipresent. It is through God's great orchestration of the universe which lead me in my Bible studies this week and lead the Pastor to preach the sermon he did. It is God who is guiding us through each day. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will guide you with My eye" (Psalm 32:8).
Today at church, Pastor was talking about God's omnipresence--God's ability to be everywhere. As soon as he mentioned this, I immediately thought about how Jonah is an excellent example of how one man tries to flee God, only to find out there is no place where God is not present. My mind immediately goes to one of my favorite Bible passages, Psalm 139 verses 7-10, which perfectly describe God's omnipresence: "Where shall I go from Your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from Your presence? If I ascend up into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea; even there shall your hand leads me, and Your right hand shall hold me."
As these thoughts are swirling around my head, Pastor recites Psalm 139 verses 7-10. A few minutes later, he recites the following passage, "But Jonah rose up to flee unto Tarshish from the presence of the LORD, and went down to Joppa; and he found a ship going to Tarshish. So he paid the fare, and not down into it, to go with them to Tarshish, away from the prescence of the LORD" (Jonah 1:3). At this point, I am trying not to laugh because I am beginning to think my Pastor has ESP. But as I ponder this thought, I realize I am not hearing the message of the sermon: God is omnipresent. It is through God's great orchestration of the universe which lead me in my Bible studies this week and lead the Pastor to preach the sermon he did. It is God who is guiding us through each day. "I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will guide you with My eye" (Psalm 32:8).
Friday, January 6, 2017
Doubting God's healing power
Over and over again in my head, I ponder God's healing power. I read about the incredible healing Jesus did--healing the blind, the demon-possessed, a woman with a blood issue, Peter's mother-in-law, etc. Yet, as I read these stories, I often feel as though they are in the past. I try to keep telling myself if God wants to heal me, He will heal me, but I often feel as though these are vain repetitions, empty words in the pit of my stomach.
On Sunday, Pastor was talking about God's omniscience. He broke down the word--omni meaning all knowing and science meaning knowledge. He went on to say God knows all the hairs on your head and all the cells in your body. Moreover, God knows all atoms and particles which make up atoms. As I thought about this, I started to cry. I suddenly realized God knew each and every cell in my body and knew which cells were sick. Additionally, God knew each and every mitochondrion inside my cells which was misbehaving. A tremendous sense of awe filled my soul. I suddenly knew God could heal me. The dark cloud of doubt lifted from my heart. Of course God knows what is wrong with me. He created me, didn't He? When did my heart turn so cold and bitter towards God's ability to heal?
As much as I desire healing, desire to be free from the never-ending symptoms which dictate my life, I know God has me right where I need to be. It is only through sickness I can see the tremendous blessings and incredible miracles God does each and every day. I have able to witness over and over again how God answers prayer. And, sometimes God's answer is "no". As hard as it is to not be free from my health challenges, I must accept God's answer and continue to love, honor and glorify Him in all that I do.The Apostle Paul writes about his thorn in the flesh. "For this thing I besought the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for you: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthinas 12:8-10)
On Sunday, Pastor was talking about God's omniscience. He broke down the word--omni meaning all knowing and science meaning knowledge. He went on to say God knows all the hairs on your head and all the cells in your body. Moreover, God knows all atoms and particles which make up atoms. As I thought about this, I started to cry. I suddenly realized God knew each and every cell in my body and knew which cells were sick. Additionally, God knew each and every mitochondrion inside my cells which was misbehaving. A tremendous sense of awe filled my soul. I suddenly knew God could heal me. The dark cloud of doubt lifted from my heart. Of course God knows what is wrong with me. He created me, didn't He? When did my heart turn so cold and bitter towards God's ability to heal?
As much as I desire healing, desire to be free from the never-ending symptoms which dictate my life, I know God has me right where I need to be. It is only through sickness I can see the tremendous blessings and incredible miracles God does each and every day. I have able to witness over and over again how God answers prayer. And, sometimes God's answer is "no". As hard as it is to not be free from my health challenges, I must accept God's answer and continue to love, honor and glorify Him in all that I do.The Apostle Paul writes about his thorn in the flesh. "For this thing I besought the Lord three times that it might depart from me. And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for you: for My strength is made perfect in weakness.' Most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore, I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthinas 12:8-10)
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Weird day, but Habakkuk saves the day!
Yesterday was a very odd day. I had an appointment to see an ophthalmologist in an attempt to get a correct prescription for my weak eye muscles. (I could write a book about the last two years about trying to get the correct eyeglass prescription. Long story short, I was finally on the path to getting the correct prism strength for my glasses last year, but the eye doctor insisted the prism strength I needed was too strong for me. She said she had a good feeling that my eyes would heal themselves and wanted to put no prism in my eyeglasses. After much begging on my part, she finally put some prism in the glasses. As soon as I got the glasses, I wanted to weep. The prism strength was far too weak. I would have to endure another year of double vision, dizziness and headaches until I could go for another vision exam.)
So, yesterday was the big day. I went to a new eye doctor. He checked my eyes and indeed I need 3-4 times more prism in my eyeglasses than what I currently have depending on the distance. He decided to err on the side of less, and prescribed less prism. The strange part was, he did not want to give me a prescription. He said my vision had not changed much (only by 0.75) and did not think I wanted to get new glasses. I was puzzled. The whole reason for the visit was to get the proper prism stength for my glasses because my current glasses had too little prism. When I mentioned this to him, he wrote out the prescription. Then at checkout, the office assistant wanted to charge me $25 to get the prescription print out because I had gotten glasses a year ago. I was totally confused by this. This is a new eye doctor, and I have new insurance. Why do I have to pay money to get my prescription because I got glasses a year ago? When I asked this question, the woman said she would give me the prescription, but would have to run the charge through my vision insurance. (I still do not understand this because it is against the law to charge a separate fee for dispensing a prescription.)
Through this whole process, the one shining light was Habakkuk. While I was waiting for the doctor, I was reading my Bible. When the doctor came in, I placed the Bible on my lap because my bag was on a chair across the room from me. The eye doctor saw my Bible and asked what I was reading. I replied Habakkuk. He said he had never read Habakkuk and seemed puzzled where in the Bible it was located. I replied, "Habakkuk. It is in the "ha-back" of the Old Testament." The eye doctor seemed amused and said he would go and look it up that night. So, perhaps in the midst of this weird day, God was able to use me to help the eye doctor read another book of His Word. And as I was reading more of the book of Habakkuk while waiting for my ride, I needed the reminder of one of my favorite Bible verses: Habakkuk 2:4 "The just shall live by faith". What a wonderful reminder in the midst of such an odd day.
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
The Benefits of Aging
As another year ends and another year begins, I cannot help but yell a squeal of delight. Yahoo! I made it through another year! Yahoo! I am another year older! I know, most people sorrow over growing older. "Oh, if only I could be young again," seems to be a common lament. However, if you have a chronic illness, being "young" is one's biggest pitfall.
When I first became severely sick, I was told by doctor after doctor, you are too young to be sick. I was told I was just making up my symptoms to gain attention. When my heart rate and blood pressure soared sky-high upon standing upright, I was told it was anxiety. (Yes, I was terribly anxious about standing up. If only I could overcome my fear of standing, I would be as good as new.) When my GI tract shut down day after day, leaving me severely malnourished and on the verge of starvation, I was told I was anorexic. I was told I just did not want to eat. (One doctor threatened, "If you don't eat, I will put a feeding tube in you." I replied, "Oh, thank you! I will finally be able to get some nutrition and won't die of starvation!" The doctor upon hearing my words, walked out of my room and discharged me from the hospital without a feeding tube and without any remedy to my severe GI tract dysfunction.)
Yes, it seems, as each system in my body flared up, I was told by doctor after doctor I was the sole reason for my symptoms...because I was "young" and could not possibly be sick and could not possibly have all these maladies. "You are too young to have gall bladder attacks. You are too young to have chronic pancreatitis. You are too young to have osteoarthritis..."
But now, as the digits in my age grow larger and larger, doctors suddenly take my symptoms seriously. For this, I am grateful. It is also a tremendous blessing that as my body ages, my metabolism has slowed down. I now can eat smaller quantities of food (which greatly reduces the stress on my GI tract) and not lose weight. As I grow older and older, I find more and more blessings in which to rejoice. It is with great joy, I celebrate 2017! "Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives all your iniquities; who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from destruction; who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies." (Psalm 103:1-4)
When I first became severely sick, I was told by doctor after doctor, you are too young to be sick. I was told I was just making up my symptoms to gain attention. When my heart rate and blood pressure soared sky-high upon standing upright, I was told it was anxiety. (Yes, I was terribly anxious about standing up. If only I could overcome my fear of standing, I would be as good as new.) When my GI tract shut down day after day, leaving me severely malnourished and on the verge of starvation, I was told I was anorexic. I was told I just did not want to eat. (One doctor threatened, "If you don't eat, I will put a feeding tube in you." I replied, "Oh, thank you! I will finally be able to get some nutrition and won't die of starvation!" The doctor upon hearing my words, walked out of my room and discharged me from the hospital without a feeding tube and without any remedy to my severe GI tract dysfunction.)
Yes, it seems, as each system in my body flared up, I was told by doctor after doctor I was the sole reason for my symptoms...because I was "young" and could not possibly be sick and could not possibly have all these maladies. "You are too young to have gall bladder attacks. You are too young to have chronic pancreatitis. You are too young to have osteoarthritis..."
But now, as the digits in my age grow larger and larger, doctors suddenly take my symptoms seriously. For this, I am grateful. It is also a tremendous blessing that as my body ages, my metabolism has slowed down. I now can eat smaller quantities of food (which greatly reduces the stress on my GI tract) and not lose weight. As I grow older and older, I find more and more blessings in which to rejoice. It is with great joy, I celebrate 2017! "Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name. Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits: who forgives all your iniquities; who heals all your diseases; who redeems your life from destruction; who crowns you with loving-kindness and tender mercies." (Psalm 103:1-4)
Sunday, January 1, 2017
To the Billingham Family
In the midst of New Year's celebrations, the Billinghams mourn the loss of their loved one. With gallant effort and brave courage, Scott fought the hard fight to live with Mitochondrial Disease. He did not complain about his medical challenges, but he faced each day as a mighty warrior ready to overcome any obstacle. His family surrounded him with lots of love and support.
To the Billingham Family: You will never know the immense gratitude your son had for you. Your continued support and constant love pulled him through so many health trials. Please take comfort in knowing all your efforts and energy have not gone unnoticed. Although you mourn for the loss of such an incredible 20 year old, he is now free from all his health burdens. He is free to enjoy all God has to offer him in His glorious kingdom--one in which only perfect health and beauty exists.
May God comfort you-all in this time of immense sorrow. For Jesus says, "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-20)
Sending you-all much love and prayers.
(Scott Billingham passed away on December 31, 2016.)
To the Billingham Family: You will never know the immense gratitude your son had for you. Your continued support and constant love pulled him through so many health trials. Please take comfort in knowing all your efforts and energy have not gone unnoticed. Although you mourn for the loss of such an incredible 20 year old, he is now free from all his health burdens. He is free to enjoy all God has to offer him in His glorious kingdom--one in which only perfect health and beauty exists.
May God comfort you-all in this time of immense sorrow. For Jesus says, "Come unto me all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light." (Matthew 11:28-20)
Sending you-all much love and prayers.
(Scott Billingham passed away on December 31, 2016.)
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