Please Let the Sun Shine

Yesterday I filmed a YouTube video. When recording, I have to find a location which has bright natural light to capture quality images on my laptop computer’s camera. I recorded my video and the sun was brightly shining. Last night, I edited the film. I realized I needed to re-shoot the ending to the video.

I wake up this morning and the skies are overcast. I am bummed. I need to re-shoot the video today to have time to edit and upload the film to YouTube. I need to film between 4:45-5:30 p.m. to match the sunlight I had in the video the day before. Hour after hour, the skies remain cloudy. I pray to God over and over again, asking if he could make the sun shine at 4:45 this afternoon. I mention to my mom I need for the sun to shine because I need to re-do part of my YouTube video.

I am exhausted from my recent surgery and lie in bed for most of the day. At 4:45 p.m., my mom enters my room and tells me the sun is shining. I smile and thank God for His incredible kindness. I get out of bed and prepare to film the ending to my YouTube video. I set up the camera and carefully look at a clip I shot the day before to position myself and the camera in a similar position.
I smile ear to ear as I am able to shoot the ending to my video. The sunlight is just perfect and matches the lighting I had from the day before. When I finish filming, I continue smiling. I thank God for this blessing. My heart overflows with joy and love to God.

If only I could be thin like you...

I sit in bed. My abdomen writhes in pain. Moving causes pain. Eating and drinking causes my gut to swell and explode in pain. I wonder how long this will continue. I can only eat a few hundred calories. My weight is rapidly dropping. My bones stick out. It hurts to lie down because anywhere my body touches the mattress, my bones exert pressure on my skin. I try to move frequently to prevent pressure sores form developing.

As I struggle day after day, a family member (who needs to lose a lot of weight), says to me, “I wish I had issues with eating too. Then I could lose weight.” I stare at my family member in confusion and want to scream, “Why can’t you appreciate your functioning GI tract? Why would you want to endure days, weeks and months on end with unrelenting pain? If you want to lose weight, stop eating so much junk food! Three candy bars plus fast food and a gallon of Diet Coke a day is not healthy for you!” As much as I want to set the record straight, I remain quiet. The misconception that being thin from having a dysfunctional GI tract is a blessing remains strong in our society.

About eight years ago, a woman and her husband used to drive me to church. I was very thin and was struggling to eat due to chronic pancreatitis. The woman was envious of my bony figure. Although the woman was very petite and thin, she wanted to have less body fat. I never understood how anyone would want the constant battle I have with food—the pain, bloating, swelling, nausea and other symptoms I experience when I eat food. Why can’t people enjoy a healthy GI tract and appreciate the blessing it is to be able to eat without becoming severely sick? What I would give to have a functioning GI tract and to be able to eat.

I don’t want a blessing. Just let me be crabby.

I rarely leave home except to go to medical appointments or the emergency department. When a friend needed my assistance to complete a task, I dug down deep to find energy to help her. Despite being extremely exhausted, I left my home to travel to another community 15 minutes away. I attempted to complete the errand; however, my efforts were blocked. The business were I needed to complete the errand refused to allow me to complete my task. I was frustrated and upset. I had used my precious energy to help my friend, and yet, my actions were futile. I felt so defeated.

My dad was driving the car, and my mom had asked my dad to go to the bank for her. The bank was across the street inside a big box store. My dad drove to the store. Being upset and drained of energy, I decided to enter the store and head for the grocery department where I knew a bottle of kombucha was waiting for me. When I arrived at the shelf, I smiled when I saw the store had favorite flavor of kombucha in stock. I grabbed the bottle and headed for the checkout.

At the checkout, there were only a few lanes open. I could have gone to self-checkout, but I refrain from using these registers. It is very hard for me to use the registers because they are too high and are not designed for those who use scooters and wheelchairs. If I use self-checkout, I often strain and pull muscles trying to reach the register. Henceforth, I decided to use a register which has a cashier. The line was long; I patiently waited.

The woman in front of me looked around in boredom. She saw I was behind her with a single item. The woman backed up her cart and told me to go in front of her. I thanked the woman and moved up in the line. When I arrived at the cashier, the woman behind me told the cashier something. I could not understand what she said. When the cashier scanned my item, she tried giving it to the woman behind me. I told the cashier the drink was mine. I went to pay for my item, but the woman behind me told me she would pay for it. I thanked the woman for her kindness and left the store.

At this point in the story, I should be rejoicing. A stranger had paid for my purchase. But, in reality, I was lamenting. I was really upset that I was not able to help my friend. I just wanted to wallow in my grief. Now that this woman in line decided to be a blessing, I had to thank God for His goodness and kindness. I did not feel like rejoicing. I just wanted to be crabby.

As I sat in the car while my dad drove us home, I thanked God for changing the tone of my day. God saw how much I tried to help my friend. God saw how my actions were thwarted. God moved the heart of the woman in line to pay for my kombucha. Although I was still in a foul mood, I smiled God sent this blessing my way.

Focusing on the Wrong Number

Since starting my YouTube channel, I have tried not to be obsessed with numbers—the number of views a video receives, the number of likes a video gets, the number of subscribers I have, etc. As hard as i try not to look at all the numbers, it is absolutely addicting and almost an obsessive impulse. Why is a video getting more views than other videos? Why did not this video getting very many likes? And the questions and constant impulse to draw unfounded conclusions abounds.

Then, suddenly, like a reality check from God, I receive the most amazing message from a viewer. I am informed how a video helped the person or provided valuable insight into a problem the person was having. As I read the person’s words, instantly all the continuous chatter about my videos disappears. Tears spring to my eyes that something I created inspired or influenced someone else. Very quickly, all the numbers disappear from my mind. The only view which has any meaning is from the person who took the time to write me a message.

It is incredibly humbling to interact with the world while lying on my bed. I do not have to travel anywhere, and yet, I have met people from all around the globe.

As I fight through another night of intense headaches from not being able to eat protein due to my pancreas being extremely inflamed, I am inspired to fight through the fatigue to produce another video. One more video to share with the world…one more chance to help someone I have never met.