Facing the elephant in the room

For some time, I have had heavy burdens placed on my heart. I have chaffed under these challenges. Like a disobedient stiff-necked cow, I have firmly planted my feet and have refused to act. I always have lots of good excuses--I am too tired; maybe next week I will go do it when I have more energy; I will just pray someone else will go do it. But yesterday at church, Pastor Greg gave an incredible sermon on facing the elephant in the room--what big thing(s) in your life need to change in order to be walking obediently with the Lord.

The Lord has been laying a heavy hand on me. I have wanted to visit a senior assisted living facility to spread the Good News and perhaps give them some delicious baked goods. I kept putting off the task. I learned one man I really wanted to talk to was struck and killed by a car two weeks ago. Since then, the assisted living facility closed down. What a precious opportunity I let slip from my hands! I pray that man was saved by Jesus. I pray I was not the one who was supposed to have told this man about Jesus. I also pray for all the other folks I never got to meet and tell them about Jesus. Wherever they are today, I pray they know Jesus, and if they do not, someone will tell them the Gospel. "The Lord is not slow concerning His promise, as some men count slowness, but is patient towards us, not willing that any should suffer, but that all should come to repentance" (2 Peter 3:9).

There are a few other burdens, which have been heavy on my heart. I know I should (and want to) do one thing, but instead I refrain from spending my precious energy completing God's work. I have tried to take a shortcut, and God has made it abundantly clear: "'My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,' says the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts'" (Isaiah 55:8-9).

So, if you could, please keep me in your prayers as I prepare to plunge ahead and tackle the burdens on my heart. Pray God will give me the energy needed to complete these tasks. Pray I do not lose heart and procrastinate. Thank you!

Hooray for Bailey!!!

I am overwhelmed with delight to see my friend Bailey won nationals yesterday!!! She has worked for many, MANY years to accomplish this feat. I am thrilled to have been able to share in this amazing triumph of hers. Yet, on the brink of this incredible victory, immense gratitude and sadness fill my heart.

For over four years, Bailey's parents have fought through various battles with cancer. In March, her father became ill again. He fought through each day, lending his humor to brighten his deteriorating health. Two weeks ago, her father made the difficult choice to enter hospice. On November 19, his family and friends gathered around him for a prayer service. About 30 minutes after the service ended, Bailey's father entered into eternity.

Now, in the midst of their grief, it was time to leave for nationals. Earlier in the year, Bailey competed and won state, which qualified her to go on to compete at nationals. Just three days after Bailey's father passed away, it was time to travel across the country to compete at nationals. (Here is where I start weeping. God allowed Bailey's dad to give her comfort and encouragement up until the time of nationals. He was too ill to travel with his daughter to nationals. God graciously allowed her father to pass away before competition began. In this way, Bailey's dad was able to see her compete from the front row of the balcony. He was able to see her every step of the way during nationals.)

Now, as the family returns home, I can only imagine the tremendous swing of emotions. I keep hearing Psalm 30:5 in my head, "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning." I pray despite these difficult times, the family is able to find great joy and happiness in Bailey's incredible win. May the Lord comfort Bailey and her family and friends as they mourn the loss of such a dear man. "Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times in all ways. The Lord be with you all" (2 Thessalonians 3:16).

The memorial service for Bailey's dad will be on December 3. Please keep her and her family in your thoughts and prayers this week.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Tick, tock. Look at the clock! It is time to eat turkey!!! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite days of the year because I LOVE turkey!!! There is nothing quite like sinking my teeth into a turkey leg. Oh meat, how I love you! I must confess, I probably have an abnormal love affair with turkey. I eat meat very rarely because chronic pancreatitis has destroyed most of my body's ability to make enzymes. Without enzymes, it is very hard for my body to break down fats, and proteins, and more importantly, fats and proteins often cause a bad pancreatitis attack. So, once a year, I allow myself to indulge in delicious turkey...well, perhaps it is more like a couple days of indulgence. I eat as much turkey as I can for a couple days until my pancreas is completely exhausted of all enzymes, and I can endure the pain no longer.

Why do I endure such misery for a few days of eating turkey? I think part of it is gratitude. I used to not be able to eat food by mouth. I had a feeding tube. I cannot tell you how miserable it was to not taste food on my tongue or use my teeth to chew. I have regained the ability to eat; although, I have a restricted diet of eating mostly organic fruits and vegetables. It is such a blessing once a year to sit at a table with family and enjoy a meal together. My Thanksgiving meal is one of thanks--it reminds me of how very blessed I am to be able to eat, it reminds me how blessed I am to have family to share a meal with, it reminds me how blessed I am to not be hospitalized (as I have often spent too many holidays in the past).

As I eagerly await the turkey to cook, I send up prayers to my friends around the world--to those who are far away from family to serve God on the mission field, to those fighting a good fight while being hospitalized, to those mourning the loss of a family member, to those too tired/ill to enjoy this day of feasting, to all those who have heavy burdens, to all those who glory in the Lord. May today and every day be a joyful day of thanksgiving. Soon we will all be together eating the marriage supper with Jesus. What joy it will be to see you-all then! May God richly bless you today and always.

"Make a joyful noise unto the LORD, all the lands. Serve the LORD with gladness: come before His presence with singing. Know that the LORD He is God: it is He that made us, and not we ourselves; we are His people, and the sheep of a His pasture. Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise: be thankful unto Him and bless His name. For the LORD is good; His mercy is everlasting; and His truth endures to all generations." (Psalm 100)

God is not unjust. He will not forget your work and the love you have shown for His name...

This morning was again a bright sunny Sunday morning! Oh, but how my body was telling me going to church was a very bad idea. My body was screaming, "My tummy hurts and I have bad cramps. I am so nauseas I feel as though I am going to vomit!" I told my body I could feel just as miserable at church as I could staying in bed. I was not going to hear any arguments; I was going to church!

Upon arriving at church, I was overjoyed there was a close parking spot. Upon arriving at the front door, I was singing praises because the Pastor saw me and opened the front door. He then caught a bag of egg cartons, which I had brought to give to the food pantry, as they were sliding off my lap. He then offered to put the egg cartons in the food pantry bin for me. (Oh how I wanted to hug him and shout out my praises to God for this kind man's help!) Next, to my joy, the sermon this morning was on Psalm 100. This is my FAVORITE Psalm and perhaps my favorite chapter in the whole Bible. (I was rejoicing and telling my body how many blessings I would have missed if I would have stayed home.)

After church, there is Sunday School. I was on the fence about going to Sunday School. I was feeling really sick. As I stopped at a table to pick up a bulletin, I prayed to God, "Well, this is it. I go to the left out the door to go home or I go to the right to go to Sunday School. I leave this decision up to You to decide for me." About five seconds after uttering this prayer, a woman from Sunday School class saw me and asked if she could push me to class. ("Thanks Lord for answering my prayer!") I gratefully accepted her assistance.

At Sunday School, we were supposed to watch a video. Two technology savvy men attempted for 15 minutes to get everything to work, but the tv and dvd did not want to work together. So, we could not watch the video. Instead, we decided to talk about what we were thankful. Mary Jo shared her thankfulness for her granddaughter and her funeral service. She shared how her granddaughter was at rock bottom with drugs and then turned to the Lord. For three years she grew in her faith until God called her home. Mary Jo added that they discovered her gradnddaughter's diary and how this diary revealed the deep love the girl had for the Lord. Through the girl's incredible transformation and determination to reach out to folks she had injured in the past, she had left a profound impact on so many people. Some of which have re-dedicated their lives to Christ and have gone on to lead others to Christ. What an incredible declaration of how one woman's faith has touched so many people. (During this whole time, I was thanking God for this story and was in awe how this woman's testimony was a continuation of my last blog post, "How will you be remembered?")

After church, I was feeling really lousy. My symptoms had progressed to include a fever and intensified pain and nausea. I really needed milk at the store, but I did not know if I could endure the quick journey in and out of the store. I prayed God would give me the strength needed to get through this next adventure. At the store, the closest parking space to the front door was available. There was a scooter just inside the front door. The store had the kind of milk I like. At the front of the store, there was a cashier waiting with no one in her line. I breezed in and out of the store in mere minutes. In the parking lot I saw a very dear friend. I have not seen her since July. I was filled with great joy to see her smile and to be able to exchange greetings with her. (What a tremendous blessing it was to see her!)

On my way home, my mom called me. She went to a farmer's market and told me a list of produce available. After hanging up the phone, I was reviewing my experience at the store. Suddenly, I remembered I was out of cucumber and forgot to pick one up at the store. No sooner had I thought this than my mom called me back. "Oh, I did not see this, but there are also cucumbers here. Did you need any?"

Overjoyed with gratitude and praise for the Lord, I nearly started to weep at His abundant kindness. If I would have listened to my body, if I would have stayed in bed, I would not have been able to experience so many blessings. One last blessing--five minutes after arriving home, I became very ill. I am so grateful God gave me the strength and health to endure everything and allowed me to be ill in the comforts of my own bathroom. This is a bad way to end a post, but I am tremendously grateful for indoor plumbing, clean water and for God's incredible mercy and grace.

"For God is not unjust. He will not forget your work and the love that you have shown for His name as you have ministered to the saints and continue to do so." (Hebrews 6:10)

How will you be remembered?

As I reflect on the deaths of some friends, a question keeps echoing in my head, "How will you be remembered?" I often think about people I know. What will I say to their family, friends and loved ones if today was their funeral? What would people say about me if today was my funeral?

About a year ago, I attended a funeral of a relative. I sat at the back of the church and had the luxury of hearing the multitude of mourners as they exited the ceremony. I let their comments wash over me. "She made the best fudge. I am really going to miss that chocolate goodness." "She made the best candy. Oh, how I am going to miss that at Christmas." "She made the best cookies. I will miss eating those." After hearing almost the same comments over and over again from various family and friends, tears rolled down my cheeks. It seemed as though people were not grieving the loss of this person's life as they were lamenting about their empty bellies.

Immediately, I was grieved in my spirit for my own life. How would people remember me? How do I want people to remember me? I prayed to God that He would use me to glorify Him. I asked that when I die, people would comment on my love for the Lord and my passion to serve Him. It is my desire for people to think of me as a servant of the Lord.

Being chronically ill, I feel as though I have limited opportunities to allow my love for God to shine forth and touch others. I feel as though the few times I leave the house each month, I am more concerned about controlling my symptoms than glorifying God. I am so thankful God sends gentle reminders that He sees my love for Him.

Tonight, my parents were dining at a restaurant. They met a husband and wife who attend my church. The wife commented how I really knew the Bible and how I always seemed to know answers to so many Bible questions. I try very hard to not swell with gratitude upon hearing these remarks. It is a great comfort to know that despite my limited opportunities to interact with the world, I can still show my love for God.  "Thank you Jesus for being the hope of my salvation. Thank you Jesus for allowing my light to shine forth. May all honor and glory be to You. Amen"

"Arise, shine; for your light has come and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you." (Isaiah 60:1)

The Lord is my Shepherd

This summer, the pastor at my church did an extended series of sermons on the 23rd Psalm. Every time I hear the Psalm, I have to choke back laughter. Yes, it is an incredible psalm...but let me take you to my past expended with this psalm.

When I was growing up, Psalm 23 was said at all sorts of events such as weddings and funerals and baptisms. People said it so much, they often ran together all the words. I thought the psalm went as follows:
"The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want Him. Makes me to lie down in green pastures..."
I thought the 23rd Psalm was the worst passage of Scripture ever written! How could people recite a passage which denied their need for a shepherd--their need for someone to watch over them and protect them--their need for someone to lead them through life. And people had the audacity to recite this at sacred events! I often would not say the psalm and would be so sad people did not love the Lord. I could not understand how church members and Christian leaders loved a piece of Scripture that denied their need for Christ.

A few years ago, I actually sat down and read the 23rd Psalm in the Bible. I was shocked to read how the text actually appears in Scripture:
The LORD is my shepherd; (wait, there is a pause here!?)
I shall not want. (And there is another pause here. Where is the word "Him"?)
He makes me lie down in green pastures (Oh, my! When listening to this psalm, people rushed through it so fast, the words "he" and the "m" from the word "makes" combined in my head to create the word "him". Oh, dear! I had this psalm all wrong. It truly is one of the most incredible psalms in the Bible!)

So now, whenever I hear or read this psalm, I cannot but laugh over how outraged I used to get when I heard this recited. I try to be somber and enjoy the beauty of this inspired text, but rumbles of laughter always rack my body...which can be rather inappropriate when attending a funeral.

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures: He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul:
He leads me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil; my cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:
And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Joyous Laughter ends the day!

Today, my dad and I had a frustrating day talking to people on the phone. He had issues with his doctor's office and pharmacy; I was trying to get my finances sorted out. At the end of it all, we both felt defeated and unsure if either one of us had accomplished anything.

Many, many years ago, my family took a trip somewhere (I have long since forgotten where we traveled to). We stayed in an apartment which had a washer and dryer in the kitchen. The machines made a lot of noise, which made watching television impossible when the machines were being used. In our boredom, my dad and I made up a dance to entertain ourselves. We called it "The Washing Machine Dance". We held our hands up near our faces and wiggled our bodies back and forth, trying to imitate the washing machine. Then someone would call out "spin cycle", and we would spin as fast as we could around in a circle. We would laugh so hard and ultimately end up on the floor gasping for breath in between our shrieks of laughter.

Tonight, the dishwasher was on in the kitchen, and it was making a lot of noise. My dad started doing "The Washing Machine Dance". I instantly started laughing at my dad (now many, many years older) trying to wiggle his body around. He yelled out, "Spin cycle!" and attempted to whirl around in a circle. He made it once around and then nearly fell to the ground. "Whoa," he said. "I guess can't spin like I used to." Then we started laughing at the thought of having to go to the emergency department and trying to explain how my dad got hurt. "Well, doctor, my dad was trying to do the washing machine dance and then called out 'spin cycle' and then fell because he can't spin like he used to."

After having a very trying day, I am so grateful to enter bed with a smile on my face, praise on my lips and laughter in my heart. "Let them praise His name in the dance: let them sing praises onto Him with the timbrel and harp. Let the saints be joyful in glory: let them sing aloud on their beds." (Psalm 149:3, 5)

Fearless Bartimaeus

All of Scripture is important, but I favorite any story with an underdog. I am so grateful Scripture has story after story of people who face enormous challenges, and with the Lord's help, they triumph over adversity. The story of Bartimaeus is one of these stories.

As Jesus spreads His ministry throughout Israel, He travels to Jericho with His disciples. "As He and His disciples and a large crowd were leaving Jericho, Bartimaeus son of Timaeus, a blind beggar, was sitting by the roadside. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout out and say, 'Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!' Many sternly ordered him to be quiet, but he cried out even more loudly, 'Son of David, have mercy on me!' Jesus stood still and said, 'Call him here.' And they called the blind me saying, 'Take courage; get up He is calling you.' So, throwing off his cloak, he sprang up and came to Jesus. Then Jesus said to him, 'What do you want me to do for you?' The blind man said, 'My teacher, let me see again.' Jesus said to him, 'Go; your faith has made you well.' Immediately, he gained his sight and followed Him on the way." (Mark 10:46-52)

What I love about this story is Bartimaeus's fearlessness. Here is Jesus walking along with a huge crowd surrounding Him. Unable to see and use his vision to make his way to Jesus, Bartimeaus does not use his disability to prevent him from meeting Jesus. Instead, he uses his voice to scream over the noise of the crowd. Next, Bartimaeus is rebuked by the crowd to keep quiet. Again, another challenge is set in front of him. Determined, Bartimaeus screams even louder for Jesus. Now, when Jesus hears Bartimaeus and asks him to come forward, Bartimaeus could have said, "No. I am blind. I cannot see and do not want to hurt myself by walking without assistance." 

But our mighty warrior does not reject the invitation! Instead, he throws off his jacket, and he LEAPS up! (My heart swells with emotion here. I think about how Bartimaeus has been an outcast for so many years. Being blind or having any sort of illness often left people homeless and cast out of families and cities. These lowly folks did not have social services available; they survived by begging and eating any food they could find. I nearly weep to think about how many people ignored Bartimaeus, cursed him, spat on him, tormented him. But now, the most important person in the universe wants to speak to him! Oh what joy and excitement!!!)

Lastly, Jesus asks what Bartimaeus wants Him to do. Again another obstacle. Should he ask Jesus for his sight? Is he worthy of such a request? Without fear and full of faith, Bartimaeus boldly states he wants to see again. Jesus restores Bartimaeus's sight because his faith has prevailed. Although Bartimaeus was physically blind, his soul saw Jesus for who He was--his Lord and Savior. "Blessed are you when men hate you and ostracize you and insult you and scorn your name as evil for the sake of the Son of Man. Be glad in that day and leap for joy, for behold, your reward is great in heaven" (Luke 6:22-23). For Bartimaeus, his faith in Jesus gained him the reward of sight...one can only imagine what his reward will be in heaven for his tremendous blind faith.

I look to these verses of Scripture for encouragement. Although I may never be healed in this physical life, my soul plainly sees my hope and salvation are in Jesus Christ. "For He did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. He died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with Him" (1 Thessalonians 5:9-10).

Back to the world of medicine

The last several months, my health has been worsening. My heart has been causing many issues such as it flutters, and it races fast and then goes slow; it hurts almost all the time with pain radiating to my arm, back, neck and jaw. I am almost always short of breath. I often feel as though I am drowning under water and have developed a chronic cough. I sleep propped up on several pillows to prevent coughing all night. My sleep is often interrupted several times a night by coughing spells and/or my heart racing or fluttering.

Yesterday, I was feeling quite ill. I decided to head back into the world of medicine in a vain attempt to find some relieve from my symptoms. A stop at the emergency department yielded little information. I "learned" I was not having a heart attack, did not have pneumonia and was not pregnant. (I have to chuckle at my "results". Any time I go to the doctor, I am asked about 5-10 times, "Are you sure you are not pregnant?" I subsequently get a urine pregnancy test and sometimes also a blood test to make sure I am not pregnant. I am then told "the big news" that I am not pregnant. My response is often cynical, "Ok, thanks doc! It is good to know I have been impregnated by the Holy Spirit!")

I was hoping to gain some insight into my medical challenges, but little information was gleaned. The nurses were very concerned I was so ill. My heart rate while lying semi-reclined on the hospital bed was 110 beats per minute. Any time I had to move positions, my body would shake uncontrollably. When the doctor learned my test results were negative for pneumonia, heart attack and pregnancy, she discharged me. My nurse was very apologetic and seemed upset the doctor was going to release me home in almost the exact state I came to the emergency department in. I was too tired to give the nurse much consolation. (I have prayed and asked God to let the nurse know I will be ok. The Great Physician is looking after me.)

On a positive note, I called a medical center in search of finding a primary care doctor. (I always tell God I leave finding a doctor up to Him. Whatever doctor is best for me, I know He will arrange for everything to work out.) I got assigned a random doctor to see next week. I was delighted to find out (after doing a web search) that she is a Christian! "Heal me, O LORD, and I will be healed; save me and I shall be saved: for You are my praise." (Jeremiah 17:14)